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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27231532">Three Minutes Less</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlwriting/pseuds/Fangirlwriting'>Fangirlwriting</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Time Loop, Time Travel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:54:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,891</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27231532</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlwriting/pseuds/Fangirlwriting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When the demon that Remus meets on a roof offers him a chance to go back in time and save his brother, he jumps on it.  He just has no idea how many chances he's going to need.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders &amp; Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Background Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders &amp; Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders &amp; Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders &amp; Morality | Patton Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Minor or Background Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>191</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>189</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Credit for the title that gave me the inspiration for this story goes to gattonero.17 on tumblr.</p><p>This story is going to focus on and discuss suicide very graphically, so if you're sensitive to that topic it wouldn't be a good idea to read this story.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus had never liked the quiet.  When it was quiet, he started thinking, which he never enjoyed.  And quietness was usually equated with awkwardness.  The only time he could stand awkwardness was when it was him making things awkward intentionally.</p><p>Luckily for him, he could be very loud when he wanted to— which was most of the time.  He also had a twin brother who could be very loud, in his own way.  Or, well.</p><p>He used to.</p><p>Remus hated the quiet no less now than he had when Roman was still here.  In fact, he might have hated it more, because now the difference was that everyone seemed to expect him to like it.  Don’t get him wrong, it’s not like he wanted to talk about what happened or anything stupid like that.  But he wanted to talk about <em> something. </em></p><p>He tried with Logan first.  His boyfriend seemed to understand him the most, and for that, Remus was grateful.  He could sit for hours and talk about deep sea fish, or constellations, or on days that he felt like indulging Remus, different kinds of kinks.  But Remus could read people better than most thought he could.  He knew Logan had never been close to Roman.  He’d mostly been irritated by him, as a matter of fact.  He could tell that Logan didn’t miss Roman, not really.  At least, not on the same level that Remus did.  Remus wasn’t going to be surprised when he broke up with him soon.  He got it, it was hard to be around sad people.  He’d stopped talking to Logan so much, just to make it easier for him.</p><p>The next person he went to was Virgil.  Virgil at least had been close to Roman.  But Virgil also had a thing for quiet.  He loved it.  Virgil was the one person that Roman would be quiet with.  They would sit for as long as Virgil wanted, not saying anything.  Surprisingly enough, when Remus had asked Roman about it, he’d said that he didn’t mind.  That Virgil was different.  The quiet wasn’t awkward or suffocating, it was comfortable.  Intimate.  (This is where Remus would laugh and make a joke about how Roman could be intimate with Virgil without being quiet, and Roman would groan and smack him on the shoulder.)</p><p>So, Virgil certainly wouldn’t do.  But that only left Patton.  And Remus could not <em> stand </em> Patton right now.  He would look at Remus, sniff in the way that meant he was moments from crying, murmur something about Remus’ mustache, and try to give him a hug and say he was sorry again.  It’s not like Remus didn’t get it.  He did a double take every time he looked in a mirror.  But holy fuck, it was about the opposite of helpful.  He didn’t want an apology.  He didn’t want condolences.  He definitely didn’t want more comparisons to Roman.  He wanted a distraction.  And if Logan wouldn’t be around for much longer, and Virgil was too quiet and Patton was too wimpy to be helpful, then that just left Remus with himself.  And he already knew what happened when he was quiet and alone.</p><p>He ended up here.</p><p>Remus looked casually down over the side of the building.  It would do the job alright.  He wondered how long Roman had pondered over it before he jumped.</p><p>No, he wasn’t going to do the same.  Not tonight at least.  And certainly not from the same building that Roman had used.  Could you imagine?  Just another way for their parents to compare the two of them.</p><p>…On second thought, maybe that was a reason to use this building.  Then they couldn’t debate whether Roman had picked a better tower due to it being higher or lower, bigger or smaller, or which one had more windows.</p><p>Some food for thought to be certain.  For now, though—</p><p>“Well, you certainly look familiar.”</p><p>Remus didn’t have the energy left to jolt in surprise.  He’d been up three straight days at this point, and honestly if the stranger behind him was a mass murderer coming to kill him, he’d probably thank him for more than one reason.</p><p>“If you’re gonna push me, could you do me a favor and not warn me?  I want to see if I can still feel scared.  I’ll text Logan on the way down and let him know, I’m sure he’ll be fascinated.”</p><p>“I’m not going to push you.”</p><p>Whoever the stranger was leaned next to where Remus was looking over the skyline.  He wished the stranger would keep talking.  The quiet was much more obvious with more than one person.  Remus didn’t look over at them yet.</p><p>“You know,” the stranger said curiously.  “I’m kind of surprised to find you here, considering your brother—”</p><p>“Could you. Like. Not.”  Remus got the words out in as disjointed a way as he possibly could, hoping it made how absolutely done with this conversation show through.  “I don’t want to talk about it.”  He wasn’t sure how the stranger knew what had happened, or who he was.  Maybe he’d seen the news.  Regardless, it didn’t really matter.</p><p>The stranger hummed curiously.  “Interesting.  I got the impression you never stopped talking, from the way your brother spoke about you.”</p><p>Remus whirled to face the stranger.  “You talked to my brother?!” he got out before he fully processed what he was seeing.  As soon as he did, however, he did a double take.</p><p>The person in front of him didn’t look like anyone Remus had ever seen before.  He was wearing a fedora and a long black cloak outlined in yellow.  But the strange part about him was that it looked like half of his face was covered in what looked like some kind of scales.  Oh yeah, and he was also hovering about two feet off the ground.</p><p>“No, but I did listen to him soliloquize,” the stranger said, as if Remus wasn’t staring at him.  “I saw him up here for about three minutes before he jumped off of that ledge there.  A bit melodramatic, if I’m being honest.”</p><p>Remus could safely say he had never before wanted to murder a stranger as much as he did in that moment.  “You— hang on.  You were <em> up here with my brother, </em> and you didn’t think to stop him from <em> throwing himself off the side of a building?!” </em></p><p>“Would you relax?” the stranger said, looking very annoyed with the direction the conversation had gone.  “It wouldn’t have done him any good to talk to me even if he could see me, he’d already made up his mind.”  The stranger gave Remus a pointed look.  “You, it seems, have not.”</p><p>Remus raised a quizzical eyebrow, and the stranger looked down towards the ground below them.</p><p>Remus followed his gaze.  “I’m not jumping.  Not tonight.”</p><p>“What was the purpose of those letters on your desk addressed to your friends, then?” the stranger asked.</p><p>Remus smirked at him.  “Wow, you’ve been watching me for a little while, Mr. Whatever-the-fuck-you-are.  See anything you like?”</p><p>The stranger gave him a deadpan look.</p><p>“Seriously, what though?  Are you human?  You can’t be human, right?”</p><p>“I’m a demon,” the stranger said, shifting to lean on the ledge like he wasn’t at all worried about falling off.  “If you’re not jumping, why write suicide notes?”</p><p>“Why first drafts, of course,” Remus said.  “I think Roman would be proud of how much work I’m putting into them.  Then again, he never liked my writing anyway.”  Remus shrugged.  “So.  Demon, huh?  You got a name too?”</p><p>“Janus,” the stranger replied.  “Are you just accepting this?  That’s unusual for the people I meet.”</p><p>“Well, my golden-boy arrogant twin brother with a promising future killed himself recently, so I’m not sure what’s real anymore.  Demons seem like a pretty logical next step.”</p><p>Janus gave Remus a slightly fascinated look.  “You are certainly one of the more interesting souls I’ve spoken to,” he mused.</p><p>“Wow, it’s all I’ve ever wanted to be admired by a demon.  Guess I got nothing left to accomplish with my life.  Maybe it’s time I kill myself too.”</p><p>Janus gave Remus a look for another moment.  “Or I could offer you a deal,” he said, looking thoughtful.</p><p>“A deal with a demon?  Well, would you look at that, I have a new thing on my bucket list.  Hit me with your best shot.  Does this deal expire?  What’s my warranty?  Is this a money-back guarantee situation?”</p><p>“I can send you back in time to help your brother.”</p><p>For once in his life, Remus couldn’t come up with anything to say.  Janus seemed content to wait patiently, until Remus finally spoke up.</p><p>“Liar.”</p><p>Janus smiled.  “Most of the time, you’d be right.  I lie to others quite a bit.  But no, I mean it.”</p><p>“Uh-huh.  What’s the catch?”</p><p>Janus grinned broadly.  “I knew I liked you for a reason,” he said.  “No catch.  Not yet.  I won’t pull some kind of twisted scheme to make things end up the same way.  You’ve got an honest chance.  You’ll appear in the place of the you that’s already there, so there’s no chance of running into yourself or erasing yourself from existence.  And I won’t leave you wondering.  If you fuck up badly enough that there’s nothing more you can do, you’ll appear right back here.”</p><p>“Why would you do that for me?”</p><p>“Oh, don’t flatter yourself sweetheart.  You’re not that attractive.”</p><p>“Ah, so you clearly <em> haven’t </em> seen me naked yet.”</p><p>“I’m not doing it for you,” Janus continued like he hadn’t spoken.  “When you’re going to be around for eternity, deals like this keep things interesting.  It’s fun to watch humans succeed.  Even more fun to watch them fail.  Do we have a deal or not?”</p><p>Janus stuck a hand out in front of him, and Remus looked at him, considering.  He definitely didn’t trust this demon who showed up out of nowhere and offered him a chance to fix all of his problems.  But at the same time…</p><p>Roman.</p><p>Remus was never the type to show brotherly affection, unless it was in some way that would freak Roman out, like putting a bunch of feral cats in his bed.  And it was hard not to compare himself to Roman when everyone else was doing it all the time already.  Even their parents did that, although Remus was fairly sure they had still loved both of them.</p><p>But he was still Roman, and Remus still loved him.  Fuck, he loved him so much.  And making a deal with a demon that could potentially save his brother… well, it’s not like Remus’ life could get more fucked up than it already was if the demon in question was bullshitting him.</p><p>Remus reached out and shook Janus’ hand, and the world around him vanished.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Well, that dream wasn’t any weirder than the ones I normally have,” Remus grumbled to himself as he woke up.  He couldn’t say he was ever in the mood to leap out of bed like he used to anymore, partly because he just didn’t care, and partly because he couldn’t count on sleeping the whole night through and having enough energy to get out of bed.  At least he’d managed to get to sleep for some of last night.  He grabbed for his pillow and pulled it over his head, intending to wait until either mom or dad came to get him and then fake being sick.  It probably wouldn’t convince either of them, but they kind of let him do whatever he wanted now anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well what’s got you down?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus froze.  He waited a couple seconds for reality to sink back in, but instead, the pillow was picked up off of his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, come on, Mr. I Get Up On Time, we’re gonna be late.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus pushed himself up onto his elbows and turned his head to the right.  “Roman?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah,” Roman said, dropping the pillow back on the other side of Remus and crossing his arms.  “Come on, Mom’s gonna get pissed if you’re not in the car in ten minutes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In a move that he was sure surprised both of them, Remus leapt from the bed and wrapped his arms tightly around Roman in one move.  Roman stumbled back with a little “oof,” and wrapped his arms back around Remus, probably to keep from falling over, but Remus would take anything that he could get.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, what the heck is wrong with you?” Roman asked, trying to pull Remus’ arms off of him.  But when Remus refused to let go and just tightened his arms tighter, Roman seemed to pause.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are— are you okay?” Roman asked hesitantly.  Remus, in lieu of a reply, just tightened his arms even more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus— okay, Remus— dude, when was the last time you showered, get off of me!”  Finally, Roman managed to get his arms underneath Remus’ grip and shove him backwards by his chest.  “What the hell, man?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus opened his mouth to finally say something, although he still wasn’t quite sure what, when a loud honk emitted from behind them, towards the front of the house.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh, I told you Mom was getting impatient.  Come on, get dressed, I’ll grab you a banana or something to eat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman turned and walked out of the room before Remus could say anything else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus stood in the center of the room for a moment, trying to process everything that had just happened.  So Janus hadn’t been lying.  He really was back in time.  Remus turned slowly to face the direction the car would be in.  So now what?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The car honked again, and Remus remembered that they were probably waiting on him.  He walked over to his dresser and grabbed the first clothes he could find that were sitting on top.  He didn’t remember if they were actually dirty or not, but he didn’t have time to check.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made it down to the car probably later than everyone else would have wanted due to checking in the kitchen to see his father.  He was sitting there with a cup of coffee.  And there weren’t bags under his eyes, and he wasn’t staring at the wall like it held all the answers to the questions he didn’t know how to ask.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A second later, he glanced up.  “Remus?  Your mother and your brother have been waiting for twenty minutes, get in the car!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus turned to face the door, still not making any move to walk over to it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” his father climbed up and grabbed Remus by the arm, pulling him towards the front door and opening it.  “Come on, it’s time to </span>
  <em>
    <span>go.”</span>
  </em>
  <span>  His father gestured wildly towards the car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus eventually started down towards it and opened the back door, climbing into the seat with a lack of any backpack or lunch or anything that would actually be required to get him through the school day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Geez, finally,” Roman snapped as their Mom backed out of the driveway and pulled onto the road.  Roman turned around and passed him a banana then stopped and gave him a baffled look.  “Hey, what is up with you?  You haven’t made a single sex joke or teasing remark or even said more than two words to me since you got up.  Are you feeling weird?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus took a bite of the banana without bothering to peel the stem off.  “That’s what she said,” he got out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman rolled his eyes and turned around.  “Sorry I asked,” he grumbled, sounding just as annoyed by Remus as he did every other school morning that Remus made them late.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What was wrong?  Shouldn’t they have noticed if something had been wrong with him?  How could none of them tell?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus took another half-hearted bite of the banana and turned to his phone to check the date.  He had a week before the night that Roman killed himself.  That little time?  How was he supposed to change anything?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His phone vibrated (heh, vibrators) with a text from Logan, asking if they were still going to get dinner that night.  Honestly, Remus hadn’t even remembered they’d gone on a date this week.  He should probably still go just so he didn’t let Logan know anything was wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Come to think of it, maybe he should be working harder to keep from everyone that something was wrong.  They would probably hear him out if he asked, but they’d also probably think he was just being random like he usually was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time he got to school he managed to start acting a little more like his usual self.  He stopped at Logan’s locker to grin at him like he used to, and Logan gave him the same smile of amused exasperation like he always did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unlike always, however, then Logan’s brow furrowed and his almost-smile shrunk.  “Are you alright, Remus?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Remus asked, trying to let the slight bit of anxiousness the question produced show.  Was there something that somehow gave away the fact that he was from the future?  “Oh, do you mean the scratches?  I was just trying to catch a raccoon that was going through our garbage the other night, and it struggled a little more than I expected it to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, that’s probably an issue too, but I was actually referring to the fact that you seem very out of sorts this morning.  Did you get enough sleep?  You look quite tired.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shit, it couldn’t be that obvious, could it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah, I was up late watching… straight porn.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan raised an eyebrow.  “I see?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyway are we still sneaking off for lunch?” Remus asked quickly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan sighed.  “Remus, how many times do I need to tell you that I don’t want to break the rules?  I appreciate the offer, but I’ll be staying on school grounds for lunch.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, right, Logan had only agreed to stuff like that after Roman died, most likely to cheer him up.  Another way that Remus took advantage of him.  He really needed to stop doing that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Come to think of it, he should probably stay on school grounds for lunch too, just so he could talk to Roman.  If he only had a week, he should use that time to his advantage.  Especially since the two of them shared only one class and would barely see each other during the school day already.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did, however, share quite a few classes with Patton, including his first one.  As soon as Remus walked into the room Patton looked up and smiled at him, and woah, whiplash.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus walked over and sat down at the desk next to Patton, who turned to face him.  “Morning, Remus,” he said.  “Mondays, ugh, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus nodded, taking a second to absorb the fact that Patton wasn’t on the verge of tears, or staring at him with his lip wobbling, or looking away as he spoke to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He must have taken a second too long though, because Patton frowned at him.  “Are you alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus grinned widely again.  “Of course.  Just— Mondays.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Patton said hesitantly, sounding like he didn’t really believe Remus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t pulling off this “nothing is wrong” act very well, was he?  He always was a bad liar.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luckily, Patton seemed to at least understand that he didn’t want to talk about it, and he didn’t look like he was going to press him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus was pretty sure he couldn’t pay less attention if he tried in any of his classes that day.  Patton must have noticed, or at least someone must have told Roman and Virgil that something was up, because by the time Remus sat down at their lunch table everyone was giving him concerned looks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, maybe he could use this to his advantage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Roman, could I talk to you?” Remus asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman shared an uncertain look with Logan, who shrugged at him, and then he stood.  “Alright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both headed out into the hallway, but when it wasn’t empty, Remus headed for the nearby janitor’s closet and pulled them both in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And… now we’re in the janitor’s closet.  Okay, Remus, what is going on with you?  Are you okay?  Is something the matter?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus turned to face Roman, and got hung up for another second with the fact that he was here, alive, breathing in and out of his nose and looking at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the matter,” Remus blurted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hurt flashed across Roman’s face.  “What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I— fuck, that’s not what I— Roman— I’m trying to tell you I care about you,” Remus finished weakly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman’s face fell into a look of exasperated understanding.  “Okay, what do you want?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wh-what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not doing the dishes again, Remus.  It’s your turn tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?  No, I’m not— look, I know you might not believe me, because like, people say that you’re boring or you try too hard or stuff.  But—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>people</span>
  </em>
  <span> say that, huh?” Roman muttered, glaring away in a way that was obviously hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah!  But that’s not my point, because I don’t care about any of that!  I’m just— what I’m trying to say is I—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Midway through the sentence, the janitor’s closet vanished and Remus nearly stumbled forward off the edge of the roof.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Woah, careful there,” came a familiar voice, and a hand grabbed his arm and pulled him backwards.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus spun around and shoved Janus off of him as soon as he was far enough away from the roof.  “Hey, what the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> was that?!” he snapped.  “I was in the middle of a conversation!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus raised an eyebrow.  “I told you why you would appear back here, did I not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wha—” Remus paused.  “You said—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said you’d appear back on the roof if you fucked up badly enough that there was nothing else you could do to help Roman.  So how badly did you fuck up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus blinked.  “I didn’t—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, then you wouldn’t be back here, would you?” Janus smirked.  “I did tell you that it’s amusing to see humans fail.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You—” Remus blinked again and walked over to sit down on the ledge of the roof.  He stared down at the ground for a couple of seconds as he considered.  Then he made a decision and stood back up to glare at Janus.  “You’re an ass.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus’ smile widened.  “Why, thank you.  Now if you would like to hear the rest of the offer—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to figure out how to hurt demons and make it my personal mission in life to find you and cut your dick off.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh calm down,” Janus said with a roll of his eyes.  “Do you honestly think I would only give you one chance?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus stilled.  “What do you mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus smirked again.  “This is where the catch comes in, my friend.”  A contract appeared in the air next to him.  “You sign this, and I’ll send you back as many times as you want.  But for each time you do, you have three minutes less of your own life.”  Janus flicked his wrist and the contract floated across the roof until it floated in front of Remus’ face.  Remus blinked and stepped back a little in order to read it better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh please, take all the time you need to read over it,” Janus said casually.  “We’re dealing with time travel, so time is sort of redundant, is it not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus reached up and pulled the paper out of the air.  He read over what was on there, but it was actually pretty straightforward.  There was no confusing language or other trip ups or anything else that would make the contract even a little bit interesting.  Remus bit his lip until he tasted blood as he thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a couple minutes Janus walked over to stand next to him, and reached into his pocket to produce a pen, which he offered to Remus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So,” Remus said.  “I get to go back as many times as I have to, and the only thing I lose is three minutes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Each time,” Janus pointed out.  “But yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Deal,” Remus said, signing the contract, which then started to glow a mixture of bright yellow and green before vanishing in a poof of red smoke.  “So send me back then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With pleasure,” Janus said, offering his hand.  “This is going to be very entertaining.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus reached out and shook Janus’ hand, and for the second time, the world around him vanished.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Remus, we’re going to be late, come on!  What happened to Mr. I Get Up On Time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus rolled over in his bed and grinned at Roman, not feeling nearly as much desperate relief as he had the last time he woke up to his brother’s annoyance.  “Roman!  Good morning, sunshine!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, it’ll be a good morning when you get out of bed.  Come on, let’s go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus sat up and all but hopped out of bed, feeling lighter than he had since they’d lost Roman, because now they hadn’t lost him, not yet.  And they weren’t going to, because he had as many chances as he needed.  Well, theoretically his chances were limited, but it’s not like he was going to use even a dozen of those chances.  How hard could it be to convince Roman that he cared?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus climbed out of bed and got dressed, heading down the stairs and managing to catch Roman this time, who handed him a banana.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks!” Remus called, taking a bite out of the banana without peeling the top off.  Roman made a face of disgust.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have to do that?” Roman asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep!” Remus called, reaching out and pulling Roman into a crushing bear hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ow,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Remus, we’ve gotta go!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus hopped backwards and shifted his backpack on his shoulder from where it was about to fall off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman sighed and started towards the door, and Remus followed, making it to the car without anyone having to drag him this time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt fairly certain he acted closer to normal during the first half of the school day.  He might have made one too many sex jokes that resulted in Logan’s ears turning bright red, but he was always cute when he was flustered anyway.  He didn’t end up talking to Roman during lunch, but he didn’t sneak off school grounds, either, instead offering Roman the dessert he’d packed.  (Roman didn’t end up wanting his stale smushed twinkies, but it was the thought that counted.  After all, since telling Roman directly that he loved him hadn’t seemed to do the trick, naturally subtler examples would work better, wouldn’t they?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman didn’t bring any of it up at all until that night, when Remus was sitting on his bed and making spitballs out of his homework.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Roman said, appearing in the doorframe.  Remus grinned up at him, and stared a second longer than usual, still not ready to stop appreciating the fact that he got to see his brother alive again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey!  Did you want to make spitballs too?  I saved you my algebra.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, no.  I was actually going to ask what was up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus grinned wider and did his best to look normal.  “Well, the ceiling.  The sky.  I think you’re still a couple inches taller than me—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been dating Logan for far too long,” Roman groaned.  “Come on, Remus, did you think I wouldn’t notice you being extra nice today?  What do you want?  I’m not doing the dishes tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Were they back to this again?  When was the last time Remus had actually just told Roman he loved him?  It was clearly too long ago if every time he showed some kind of care his brother thought he wanted a favor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But what else was he supposed to do?  He didn’t have enough time to change his behavior slowly.  He only had a week.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I found your diary,” Remus said slowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman’s expression changed to one of horror.  “You what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t a total lie.  Remus had found Roman’s diary the day after his death, and it had been insightful in the most horrible way one could define the word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I found your diary,” Remus repeated.  “Roman, it was really worrying, I just wanted to check on you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman stared for another second in shock, and Remus could see him processing through multiple emotions all at once.  Finally, Roman looked down.  “And since when do you care,” he said quietly.  “How I’m doing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus opened his mouth, but couldn’t come up with something to say.  Okay, now </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> wasn’t his doing.  When Roman was upset, Remus had always done his best to check on him and comfort him if he thought he needed it.  Maybe he wasn’t the best at doing so, but at least he tried.  He had just… assumed Roman had been okay lately.  But now he knew he wasn’t, and he was trying to fix that mistake.  Since when did Roman have the impression that Remus just… didn’t care?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roman—” he started.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just— just stay out of it Remus,” Roman muttered, and he turned and walked out of the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus got up to follow him, but before he could make it more than a couple steps he stumbled into Janus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus blinked in surprise and took a step back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So I take it that time didn’t go much better?” Janus said with an amused smirk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus paused for a second.  “Out of curiosity,” he said.  “What happens during the part of the week that I don’t live out?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus shrugged.  “What happened during that part of the week before you met me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus swallowed.  He was afraid it would be something like that.  So that meant that Roman would have now told him to stay out of it, and then Remus would have gone back to behaving like he normally did, as if nothing had happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>…No wonder he killed himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Remus said.  “Send me back again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But of course,” Janus said with a smile, and the world around him disappeared again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus spent the first half of the school day once again not paying attention in his classes, and instead making a game plan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It would be hard, but the first thing he decided on was that he was going to act as normal as possible until he ended up back on the roof, just to have a base idea for how long he had to change things.  It couldn’t be the whole week, because Janus said Roman had already made up his mind by the night of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But in order to do that, Remus had to act as though nothing was wrong, which could already be said was harder than he had expected.  It also had a tendency to make him a little ticked off when everyone else acted like nothing was wrong.  He had to remind himself multiple times that for them, nothing was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He managed to pull it off well enough, he was pretty sure.  He didn’t get any weird looks or questions as to what was wrong.  And as it turned out, Remus stayed in the past for five days.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” he muttered to himself, as he appeared back on the roof.  “So at most I have five days to change something…” he turned to Janus.  “Do you have a paper and pen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus reached into his coat and pulled out a notebook, which Remus took and flipped open, writing down everything he knew so far, and feeling very much like his boyfriend as he did so.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” he said, once he’d finished.  “Could you keep this from vanishing or changing or something once I go back?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cool.  Let’s do this again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made it five days again, likely only because he spent too much time trying to figure out how to be neither subtle or direct in telling Roman that he cared about him.  He eventually figured that the best option was probably to move as slowly as he possibly could, because Roman apparently did not respond well to instant change.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So the next time he went back, he started by offering Roman to come with him to hunt the raccoon that was definitely still in the backyard.  Roman declined, and he didn’t look particularly touched, but he didn’t look offended or suspicious, and that was progress.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next day he went a little further, and offered to do something Roman would want to do.  Roman agreed, albeit hesitantly, and they spent the night marathoning Disney movies.  The day after that he tries to casually tell Roman that he liked spending time with him… and then he ended up back on the roof.  Dammit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, let’s go again,” Remus said, stretching out his arms after writing down everything new he learned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This very quickly became a pattern, and not one Remus was fond of.  He tried every different method he could think of, but Roman seemed to be standing firm in his “nobody loves me” belief.  Remus was running out of ideas for what to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he asked Janus how many times he had gone back, and Janus told him 50, Remus felt his first spike of panic, which seemed to greatly amuse Janus.  Remus ignored that part and went back again, but things usually didn’t work out well for you when you were desperate and panicking, as Virgil would say.  Remus couldn’t seem to have a conversation with Roman without making it worse, which only served to make him feel like shit and make him even more lost as to how to help.  As vicious cycles go, Remus could safely say this one took the cake for his life so far.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman didn’t seem to respond well to directness, subtlety, bonding sessions, caring actions, or even begging, in one particular attempt that Remus couldn’t exactly say he was proud of.  It was another 50 tries before he started to feel like maybe he really couldn’t do it.  Shouldn’t something have at least shown some kind of progress at this point if he could?  He just didn’t understand what he was doing wrong.  How could Roman have been hurting this long for this much and no one had noticed?  How badly had he dropped the ball?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But here’s the other thing about desperation.  It’s hard to hide.  Remus had watched everyone else get closer and closer to asking what was wrong the past twenty or so times he’d gone back.  He’d started to wonder how long it would be before anyone said anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Turns out, the first person to say something was Logan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan talking to him after school on this Tuesday was new.  Remus was sure it hadn’t happened before, which meant he must have fucked something up in some way.  Awesome.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned around anyway and found Logan approaching him hesitantly.  “Can I talk to you?” he asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus nodded hesitantly, and Logan pulled them both into a now empty classroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus,” Logan said again.  “We’re all worried about you.  Has something happened, or—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m breaking up with you,” Remus blurted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan’s eyes widened.  “What?  Why?”  He leaned closer to Remus, looking more than a little hurt, and Remus was already feeling guilty.  “Did I do something wrong?” Logan asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus wasn’t used to seeing Logan look almost scared like he did now, and so he couldn’t really come up with a good lie in time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“…How much do you care about me?” he asked hesitantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan’s brow furrowed.  “What are you talking about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” Remus scrambled for works that would make sense to this version of Logan.  “What if something really bad happened?  How much work would you be willing to put in if I was… not okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus,” Logan reached out and took hold of his hands.  “You don’t seem okay </span>
  <em>
    <span>right now.</span>
  </em>
  <span>  I’m trying to </span>
  <em>
    <span>help you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“But that’s different, you… you don’t care about Roman,” Remus said weakly, before realizing he probably shouldn’t have said that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roman?”  Now Logan just looked absolutely baffled.  “Why are we suddenly talking about Roman?  And what are you talking about, of course I care about Roman.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you don’t,” Remus protested.  “You think he’s an annoying and stupid and—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And he is my friend and I care about him,” Logan cut him off.  “But again, why are we suddenly talking about Roman?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if…” Remus leaned back on a desk and tried to keep talking past the lump in his throat.  “What if something really bad happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To Roman?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you be willing to stay with me while I’m not okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus, I—” Logan sighed.  “I don’t understand why we’re talking about this, but of course I would.  That would be the </span>
  <em>
    <span>worst</span>
  </em>
  <span> time to leave you.  Is this why you’re breaking up with me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t— I just— don’t want to lose you,” Remus finished weakly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus,” Logan whispered.  He stepped forward and wrapped Remus in a hug.  “You are not going to lose me.  Where is this coming from?  This doesn’t sound like you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t tell you,” Remus said instantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan leaned back.  “Woah.  Okay, why not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus shook his head and pushed Logan away, crossing his arms.  He wasn’t going to burden anyone else with what had happened.  Not if he could eventually fix it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually Remus had gotten Logan to back off, although he didn’t appear to want to, and they went about the rest of the day, with the only change being that Logan stuck a little bit closer to him during the next one.  But then, after school the next day, Remus came upon Logan talking to Roman at his locker, and just as he was about to walk closer and see what they were talking about, Roman snapped something and stormed away, and then Remus appeared back on the roof.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goddammit Logan, what did you say?!” he snapped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” Janus asked curiously, smirking in a way that made Remus want to smack him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, just send me back again, you prick,” Remus said, and Janus obliged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Okay, so letting the others get involved was clearly a horrible idea.  But he couldn’t seem to figure out how to do this on his own either.  Remus buried his head in his pillow and ignored Roman shaking his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What if he couldn’t do it?  What if he kept trying and trying and never succeeded?  But what else was he supposed to </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> but keep trying?  He couldn’t give up.  He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he failed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>…But then again, maybe that was the point.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus turned to face Roman and grinned up at him.  “Hey Ro, guess what,” he said.  “You’re gonna see a lot of me this week.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Remus had asked Janus a couple times how much time he’d lost, because he’d long since lost… track.  Ha.  That was funny.  The first time he’d asked since the 100th time, Janus had replied that he’d lost approximately three years.  Then seven.  And this time the answer was ten.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus had sounded less amused than usual when he answered.  In fact, he’d sounded rather curious.  Remus wasn’t sure about what, but he supposed it didn’t really matter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus never felt any different, although he was pretty sure he’d forgotten about everything he’d learned during the school year except for the week that he had now relived over a million times.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He spent quite a bit of time with Roman, naturally, because he was still going to try at least a little bit.  It never did much good, but still.  He also spent quite a bit of time with Logan, which was to be expected since they were still dating.  And they would be, unless Remus broke up with him again.  But he’d tried that before, and it hadn’t been fun for anyone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>While things had calmed down a little since the first couple hundred times Remus had gone back, it was still stressful (understandably so, he was pretty sure) to continuously relive the week before your brother kills himself.  And Remus couldn’t hold it together all the time, so every now and then the people around him seemed to get a sense that he wasn’t doing too well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus was pretty sure that was the reason for Logan’s offer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stargazing,” he said, raising an eyebrow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s supposed to be clear tonight, isn’t it?  Unless you think it will end up being cloudy—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It won’t.  But you haven’t asked about that before.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan gave him a quizzical look.  “We went stargazing last month, remember?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That wasn’t what he meant, but Remus tried to think back to the time Logan was referring to.  He got a vague memory of sitting on top of a car with Logan and a blanket.  “Oh yeah,” he said anyway, because he didn’t want to irritate Logan by forgetting about their date.  “So you want to go again?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you’ve seemed stressed lately, and with finals coming up in a month or so—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus snorted.  “Oh, I am going to flunk those so badly.  If I ever actually get around to taking them.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will help you study and you will do fine, Remus, but that’s not the point.  You’ve seemed stressed lately, I figured stargazing would be something relaxing we could do together.  Would you like to go tonight?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus gave it a second of thought before he shrugged.  “Alright.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After school Remus went home in order to ask his parents if that was alright— ask being a relative term, because unless Remus was doing something wrong they normally didn’t care what he did with his time.  Just as he suspected, they gave him the go ahead, and he was picked up by Logan that evening after it got dark outside.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus hadn’t been stargazing in a very long time at this point, and he’d forgotten how much Logan could make it enjoyable.  He certainly wasn’t quiet.  He was always pointing out constellations they could see and pointing out how people could use them to navigate (they had tried that themselves a couple of times, it had been disastrous).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They both sat on a blanket on top of the car, right at the edge of a field so as to provide the best view they could get.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So where’s the big dipper?” Remus asked immediately, mostly because he knew it would tick Logan off.  And it did, as he sighed and gave Remus a half-amused glare that meant he knew exactly why he’d asked the question, and no, he wasn’t going to go into a rant on Ursa Major and Minor, as that was a conversation they’d had numerous times.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus couldn’t help the grin that formed as he leaned back on his hands.  Logan started pointing at the constellations he did see, and Remus was surprised to find that his smile grew less fake as he continued to do so.  It had been a long time since he’d just spent time with his boyfriend, without anything to worry about— okay, well, he was still very much worried about everything.  But with Logan’s voice murmuring over any silence that could invade and the stars shining above and eventually Remus leaning his head on Logan’s shoulder and Logan wrapping his arm around him, it was easy to forget about that for the moment.  Besides, he’d just end up coming back and trying again anyway.  He had to be allowed to waste a couple times—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus immediately looked down at the guilt that rushed through him at the sentiment.  He hadn’t meant that.  Obviously what he was trying to accomplish was more important than anything he could do to have fun.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan seemed to notice his drop in mood.  “Remus,” he said quietly.  “What’s wrong?  You haven’t been seeming like yourself lately.  Is there something you need to talk about?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus looked up at the stars.  “Logan, what do you think happens when we die?” he asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could feel Logan’s surprise at the question.  “Why… are we talking about this?  This doesn’t seem like you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean?  I talk about death all the time,” Remus pointed out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not… like you’re scared of it,” Logan said quietly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not scared.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You sound scared.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> scared.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan pulled him a little closer.  “Okay, Remus,” he said quietly.  He was quiet for long enough that Remus thought he might have to ask the question again.  But eventually, he continued.  “I don’t know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What happens when we die?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not particularly religious, Remus, you know this,” Logan said.  “I’m not sure I believe in the idea of an afterlife.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, you think we just die, and then… nothing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know.  I don’t think there is a way to know.  There could be nothing.  There could be something.  There’s really no way to have any kind of idea.”  He was quiet for a moment.  “What do you think?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There has to be something,” Remus said with certainty, thinking back to Janus.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan gave him a curious look.  “Why did you ask me if you’re so certain?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What if someone kills themself?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan turned to him in obvious concern.  “Why are we talking about this?  Remus, are you okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fine.  Just curious.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well… I think that a person killing themselves is a terrible tragedy, but things are honestly harder on the people left behind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus gave a short laugh, and Logan’s gaze turned even more concerned.  “Remus.  Are you… are you thinking about—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no,” Remus said, waving his hand dismissively.  “That was just funny.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was very much not funny,” Logan said, taking Remus by the shoulders.  “Remus, if you are considering something like that please tell me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not,” Remus said, pushing Logan back off of him.  “I’m just feeling very existential lately for no reason.  You know me.  I’m random all the time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan either believed him or decided he wasn’t going to get anything out of him that night, because he didn’t say anything else, although he looked very concerned.  After a minute, though, a layer of comfort settled over them again, and even though it was quiet, Remus was surprised to find he didn’t mind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was still where he was when he appeared back on the roof.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello again,” Janus said, leaning back against the air casually as if there was something to lean on.  “Are you making progress?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, can you by any chance tell me what happens when you die?” Remus asked curiously.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus laughed.  “Nice try.  I can’t tell mortals about something like that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But you’re here.  So there has to be something after death, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Does there?  Isn’t death what you’re trying to prevent in the first place?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well yeah, but… Roman killed himself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Does that make a difference?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus gave him a long quiet look that Remus hated.  “No,” he said finally.  “It doesn’t.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus narrowed his eyes.  “Are you lying?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why would I do that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You tell me.  I’ve known you for what, ten years now, and you’re an immortal demon who’s lived for how long exactly?  Ten years can’t be enough time to get to know you.  Why would I know why you do things?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus smirked at him.  “I knew there was a reason I liked you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve said that already.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It bears repeating.  I thought ten years would be enough time to get to know you, but clearly I was wrong.”  Janus was quiet for another moment, and smiled slightly, looking more curious this time.  “I do not understand you at all, Remus.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Few people do.  Now I wouldn’t want to keep this past week as what happened anyway, so let’s go.  Send me back again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus smiled slightly more and flicked his wrist (probably for dramatic effect, Janus could be a little shit), and the world vanished again.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Be mindful of the new tag.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus had developed a nasty habit of hurting himself when he was bored.  Well, that was really an oversimplification.  Self harm was usually a hatred thing, and this had more of a sense of curiosity behind it than actual self-loathing.</p>
<p>Fun fact, if he makes any kind of cut on his arm, it’s still there when he appears on the roof, but when he goes back again it’s gone, and when he appears on the roof after that it’s still gone.  It’s like it never existed.  Another fun fact, if anyone ever notices anything or catches him in the act, that usually sends him straight to the roof, especially if it’s Roman, so there’s virtually no risk involved!</p>
<p>He did still want to actually get a chance to try and accomplish something, though, so he didn’t keep it to traditional kinds of injuries.  People were more likely to notice those.  Sometimes he chewed on his lip until it bled, or accidentally fell down the stairs, or bumped into Jacob on Wednesday.  Jacob had a bad day on Wednesday, and he would always retaliate.  Last time Remus made him mad enough that he broke his nose.  He decided not to do something like that again.  Spending a day in the hospital had been both a huge waste of time and more boring than before.</p>
<p>He hadn’t done anything yet this week, mostly just because he didn’t want to end up in the hospital again.  He’d spent most of the time with Patton, who had become his go-to friend when he was sad and didn’t want to be.  They spent a lot of time either baking, or pet-setting, which was Patton’s job.  He had a monopoly on dog-walking in the neighborhood he lived in, which was where they were right now, walking a dog named Pancake who was owned by Patton’s next door neighbor.</p>
<p>“Hey, Patton?” Remus asked as Patton was cleaning up dog poop from the yard they had stopped at.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Patton asked, turning to look at him.</p>
<p>“Are you scared of dying?”</p>
<p>Patton turned to Remus in surprise and blinked a couple times before responding.  “Uh, kiddo, I don’t know when you got a marianas trenchant for philosophy, but maybe let’s focus more on treading water before we dive into the deep end?”</p>
<p>Remus blinked at Patton.  “What?”</p>
<p>“That’s just a pretty dark question,” Patton said, standing and continuing to walk, Pancake running ahead of them, and Patton pulling a little on the leash so she wouldn’t get too far.</p>
<p>Remus looked at Patton for another moment.  “Well?”</p>
<p>“Um… I don’t know,” Patton said.  “I think I’m more scared of the people I care about dying.”</p>
<p>Remus laughed a little and shoved his hands in his pockets.  “You would be,” he said.  “But really, though.  Do you just not think about it, or what?”</p>
<p>Patton didn’t say anything for a moment, and Remus didn’t say anything either, trying not to let the silence grate on his nerves.  “I think a lot about what I’m going to leave behind,” Patton said.  “The good I can bring to the world before I go.”</p>
<p>“Legacy,” Remus said with a little nod.</p>
<p>“Exactly,” Patton said.  “I mostly just try to live in a way that will give the people I leave behind with fond memories.”</p>
<p>“Hmm,” Remus said, and then made a crack about dog poop that he barely even paid attention to as he made it.  Patton groaned and the topic moved back to normal topics.</p>
<p>Patton took Pancake back to his neighbors once they finished walking her, and then, since they’d both come straight there after school, he dropped Remus off at home.</p>
<p>Remus walked in to his father talking loudly on the phone to someone who must have been very important.  His father was an insurance agent.  What kind of legacy came with selling insurance?  Remus couldn’t guess that it was much of one.  Not for the first time ever, but for the first time in a while, he wondered if his father was happy.</p>
<p>His father seemed, not unreasonably, to be taking Remus standing in the room and staring at him as Remus wanting something to say to him.  He covered the bottom of his phone with his hand and hissed “Not now,” to Remus, gesturing towards the steps.</p>
<p>Remus considered briefly staying in the room and trying to be as annoying as possible, but that was only more likely to get him grounded, and that didn’t help Roman or make his life very interesting, so he just headed up the steps and into his room to drop his backpack on his bed.  He headed out to the hallway and across to Roman’s room, opening the door without knocking and ignoring Roman’s yelp of surprise to walk over and collapse on his bed.</p>
<p>“Remus?  What are you doing?”</p>
<p>“Thinking about legacy,” Remus said, in what was definitely a horrible idea that was going to get him sent back to the future.</p>
<p>“…What about it?” Roman asked hesitantly.</p>
<p>Remus didn’t reply immediately, trying to decide what direction he wanted to take this conversation.</p>
<p>What he was really thinking about was how legacy was something he hadn’t considered yet.  He’d thought a lot about legacy before what had happened with Roman.  He wanted to leave something memorable behind, something unique, something distinctly <em> him. </em>  But doing anything of the sort for himself hadn’t crossed his mind since he’d met Janus— he’d been too focused on trying to help his brother.</p>
<p>Now that he was considering it, he was probably doing quite a bit of damage to whatever his own legacy would be by giving up so much of his life.  But it was worth it for Roman, of course it was.</p>
<p>Remus looked across the room to see Roman staring at him expectantly, waiting for an answer.  Roman, who he hadn’t even been able to help.  Would anyone be able to forgive him if he did fail, full stop?  Did he deserve to be forgiven if they wanted to do so?  Did he even deserve a legacy anymore?  He supposed it didn’t matter.  His legacy could be helping Roman, if that was all he ever managed to do.  If he couldn’t, then how could he dare to claim that he deserved a legacy?</p>
<p>“What it takes to deserve one,” Remus said weakly.</p>
<p>Roman’s brow furrowed.  “Since when do you think about stuff like that?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know, just… what if I died today?  Would I deserve to have people remember me?”  Remus paused for another second, because what if he <em> did </em> die in some way during this week?  Would he be sent back to the future?  Or would he just be gone?</p>
<p>“Remus,” Roman said slowly.  “You’re kinda scaring me.  Are you okay?”</p>
<p>Remus laughed wetly (ha, wetly).  “You’re funny.  When did everyone get so <em> funny?” </em></p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>Remus looked over at Roman, wondering if he was just wasting his time in more ways than one.  As he looked and tried to come up with something to say anything in reply, Roman stood up and walked across the room, looking much more concerned than he had a couple seconds ago.  “Remus, what’s wrong?” he asked, perching on the edge of the bed.</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t understand,” Remus said.  “You would but you wouldn’t.”</p>
<p>“What— what the heck does that mean?”</p>
<p>Remus dragged his hands up in front of his face, a not-so-sudden feeling of hopelessness sweeping through him.  “Can I take a nap in here while you do your homework?” he croaked.</p>
<p>“Um, okay.  Are you sure you’re alright?”</p>
<p>“I never said I was,” Remus muttered, too quietly for Roman to hear.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Just go away,” Remus said, pretty sure it was the wrong thing to say.</p>
<p>He was proven right when Roman went quiet and got up off the bed, walking back over to his desk and picking up his homework.</p>
<p>Remus rolled over, fell asleep, and woke up on the roof.  “Hey, Janus?” he asked, standing up.  “If I die in the past, do I stay dead?”</p>
<p>Janus gave him a look.  “Why?”</p>
<p>“Just, I don’t know.  Curious.”</p>
<p>“It depends on how you die,” Janus said slowly.  “If you get hit by a car, for example, I could easily revive you and just bring you back here.”</p>
<p>“Hmm.  Okay.”</p>
<p>“Why are you curious?”</p>
<p>“I was talking about legacy with Patton.  I’m just thinking about it now.  No one’s ever going to know I did this if I succeed.”</p>
<p>“Ideally, yes.”</p>
<p>“And no one’s going to know if I fail, either.”  Remus looked down over the side of the building.  “Except for me.”</p>
<p>Janus didn’t reply at first.  “Remus, what are you thinking about, exactly?”</p>
<p>“Let’s go.  Send me back again.”</p>
<p>“Hang on, I’d like to ask you something—”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Now.” </em>
</p>
<p>The world vanished around him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“And you cut yourself how?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was trying to fight the raccoon again,” Remus said, wincing as Virgil dabbed the antibiotic on the wound.  At least he could fall back on the raccoon as something believable.  He’d picked the size of the kitchen he had for a reason, after all.  Virgil had just been the first one to notice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And neither of your parents wanted to help?” Virgil asked.  “This wouldn’t be an easy to reach place on your own.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t tell them,” Remus said easily.  “They probably wouldn’t have wanted to help anyway.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do I need to have a chat with your parents?” Virgil muttered, moving to grab the bandage and wrap Remus’ injury.  “But seriously, dude, maybe leave that raccoon alone.  If it’s injuring your face and your arm, maybe it’s one you shouldn’t mess with.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, maybe,” Remus said, trying to keep his tone lighter and less anxious than he felt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hadn’t been to Virgil’s house during the week, so it had been so long since he’d actually been there he’d almost forgotten what it looked like.  But when Virgil noticed the darkening color of his jacket, he had dragged him back there from school, after Remus said his parents were both at work.  In hindsight, maybe Remus should have done a better job of cleaning the cut?  Virgil was right about it being hard to reach, though.  He’d barely been able to get the knife there properly, forget about wrapping a bandage around it.  Maybe he should just be glad that Virgil had been alright with not telling the nurse.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil sighed when he finally finished wrapping the bandage to his satisfaction, and stood back up, stepping back from where he had been kneeling over his arm.  “Okay.  Well, at this point there’s like, two hours left in school, I’m not going back.  You wanna watch a movie?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure,” Remus said, because it had been a while since he’d spent time with Virgil one-on-one, and a movie sounded nice.  That was a case where he didn’t mind less talking, due to the background noise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil picked a Disney movie, which wasn’t surprising.  He really was perfect for his brother, although they both liked Disney for different reasons.  Logan, Patton, and him had perfected </span>
  <em>
    <span>The Look™</span>
  </em>
  <span> for when Roman and Virgil were both being pining idiots who refused to admit the other shared their feelings.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil must have been hit pretty hard when Roman died, even if he didn’t show it.  Come to think of it, maybe Remus should have done a better job of trying to be there for him, instead of just focusing on all the ways that Virgil wouldn’t help </span>
  <em>
    <span>him.</span>
  </em>
  <span>  Great, so he wasn’t just a terrible brother, he was a terrible friend too.  Always nice to learn new things about yourself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus jumped and looked over at Virgil, who was giving him a concerned look.  “Are you alright?  You looked… upset, a second ago.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dammit, he really needed to get better at hiding his emotions.  Maybe spending more time with his boyfriend and trying to learn from his mannerisms could help with that.  But for now, he needed to have an appropriately sad conversation with Virgil that didn’t reveal too much but would also get Virgil off his dick.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you ever think about what life would be like if you were someone else?” Remus asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil snorted.  “All the time,” he said, pausing the movie.  “You mean anything specific?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just… wondering if I would be better at… certain things.  If I was more like you.  Or Logan, or Patton, or something.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I think like that sometimes.”  Virgil leaned back on the couch.  “But you can’t change who you are.  You just have to make the best of it, and sometimes things are good, sometimes they aren’t.  I mean, you can spend all your time panicking and thinking about things you screw up because you’re you, but other than that there’s not much you can do about it, you know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wow, he should hang out with Virgil more often.  He wasn’t so optimistic or peppy.  It was a nice break.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You think you affect things just because you’re you?” Remus asked curiously.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“‘Course.  I mean, no one will do anything quite the same way.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about time travel?” Remus asked, grinning a little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil groaned.  “Ugh, not like that keeps me up at night with possibilities or anything.  What about it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you think someone can do the same thing twice?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm.”  Now Virgil looked honestly thoughtful.  “Probably not.  I mean, there’s that whole Butterfly Effect thing, right?  Even the smallest changes can have huge consequences.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus laughed a little maniacally.  “Awesome,” he said, grinning a little more.  “That just makes everything so much easier.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ah, there was the concerned look.  “What do you mean?” Virgil asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Remus said, grabbing the remote and starting the movie.  He decided to count on Virgil being too anxious to bug him to ask anything else about the subject, and it ended up working out, as the movie continued to play.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus made a mental note to wait until next week to ask the follow up question that had popped into his head, as he didn’t want to make Virgil suspicious by asking too many questions about time travel.  And he almost made it to the end of the movie too.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Virgil.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil turned to face him again.  “Yeah?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you think time travel is real?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Probably not,” Virgil said with a shrug, and Remus had to stop himself from laughing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay then just.  Hypothetically.  If it was.  Real.  Do you think you’d be able to change anything?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course.  Again, Butterfly Effect thing, you know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know, but like, what if it’s not?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?  What do you mean, what if what’s not?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What if, like, what if you can change things, some things, but then like, the big things are stuck?  Like what if you really can’t change anything important no matter what you try, and you just keep trying and trying and you can’t do anything, and— and what if Janus was wrong or he lied or—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Woah, okay, slow down.  Remus, you’re going to give yourself a panic attack,” Virgil said, reaching across the couch and taking Remus’ hands.  “Can you take a deep breath?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus managed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who’s Janus?” Virgil asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil’s brow furrowed.  “Remus—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. One.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil hesitated for a minute.  “Okay, I’m not going to force you to tell me,” he said slowly.  “But… if this Janus person is hurting you, you’ll tell </span>
  <em>
    <span>someone</span>
  </em>
  <span>, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus nodded, because it would get Virgil to shut up faster.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Unfortunately, Virgil kept talking.  “Remus, are you okay?  You’re not usually the type to have panic attacks, that’s kinda my thing.  You trying to steal my thing?”  He seemed to end on a lighter note that didn’t quite work as a joke.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dammit, they weren’t supposed to get to this part again.  Remus looked down at his feet.  He took a breath as he tried to come up with something, but Virgil was staring at him and he was drawing a blank.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It wasn’t a raccoon,” Remus blurted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The— nothing.  Nothing I have to— go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait a second, Remus—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But whatever Virgil was about to say would be lost to oblivion, because a second later Remus reappeared back on the roof, sitting this time, with his feet dangling over the edge.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wait, what had happened that time?  He hadn’t been anywhere near Roman!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>…He’d told Virgil he wasn’t okay.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Idiot.</span>
  </em>
  <span>  He was supposed to be thinking about helping </span>
  <em>
    <span>Roman.</span>
  </em>
  <span>  Could he ever not make things about himself?  Well, if letting on that he wasn’t okay was such a huge fucking mistake, maybe it was time to finally have that session with Logan where he learned how to hide his feelings.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wait, no, Logan would just get worried, and they’d just established that was bad.  But what else could he </span>
  <em>
    <span>do?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um, Remus?” came a now-familiar voice.  Janus sounded hesitant.  “Are you going to stand up?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Janus,” Remus said, doing just that.  He turned around and leveled a very determined look at him.  “Teach me to lie.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“What do you think the meaning of life is?” Remus asked casually one afternoon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan looked over from where he was doing homework at his desk.  “What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have to write a stupid paper in psychology.  I can’t think of anything,” Remus lied easily.  Turns out Janus was good at that kind of thing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan seemed to buy it too, as he didn’t look confused anymore and instead seeming to be giving the question some thought.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Preserving life,” he said eventually.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh, I knew you’d pick a boring answer,” Remus said, leaning over Logan’s shoulder so he could dangle himself off of his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please get off of me, Remus,” Logan said, sounding mostly unbothered, so Remus got off of him.  It wasn’t fun if Logan didn’t care.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We need to preserve the life we’ve been given as well as make sure the planet and world is ready for those who will come after us,” Logan continued. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, well if you wanted kids Logan, you could have just said so,” Remus said, perching on his shoulder again and grinning at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan gave him a slightly exasperated smile.  “Are you like this with anyone else when they’re trying to do homework?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you’re the only one I could potentially want to have kids with, so… yes.  Whenever possible.”  He gave Logan a more curious look.  “Preserving life, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan nodded.  “Global warming, human rights.  Taking care of yourself too.  Just, do everything you can to make life better for yourself and everyone else.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Remus said, leaning his head down onto Logan’s shoulder, which was way less comfortable than it should have been, due to the angle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan looked at him again, raising an eyebrow.  “Do you think you’d want to write an essay on that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus grinned.  “Yeah, that works.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Patton.  What do you think the meaning of life is?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton pulled a little on Pancake’s leash so she didn’t run ahead and glanced over at Remus.  “Putting more good into the world,” he said with no hesitation.  “Why?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Remus asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Exactly what I said.  The whole point of life is to put all of the good in the world that you can.  You know, be kind, be helpful, be accepting.  Save the ‘be’s,” Patton ended with a grin.  “You know, if we’re not put on this planet to show as much love as we can to everyone else around us, then… what are we here for?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about the people closest to us?” Remus asked.  “Do they come first?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton blinked.  “Woah.  Uh, kiddo, I don’t know when you got a marianas trenchant for philosophy, but maybe let’s focus more on treading water before we dive into the deep end?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You said that already.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton blinked at him.  “I did?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, no wait, that wasn’t you.  Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton’s eyes widened slightly.  “Someone else makes puns just like mine?  Who are they?  Remus, how could you keep them from me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus couldn’t help but chuckle a little.  “No, don’t worry about it.  You know them already.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do?!  Who was it?”  Patton pulled on Pancake’s leash again as he seemed to think for a moment before his eyes widened.  “Was it Logan?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus laughed again, and Patton seemed to take that as a confirmation that he didn’t mean, because he immediately started on a happy tangent about how proud he was, and Remus just smiled wider.  There was a reason he would hang out with Patton when he didn’t want to be sad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Virgil, have you ever thought about the meaning of life?” Remus asked.  He tossed another piece of popcorn in his mouth while Virgil processed the question.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Out of everyone, Remus figured Virgil was the one most likely to accept his question as “Remus being Remus,” especially considering he’d spent the rest of the day acting as normally as he could.  Sure enough, Virgil seemed to shrug it off a moment later, and responded with, “I don’t know.  You mean what do I think it is?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil gave it another moment of thought before he turned on the couch to face Remus.  “I think it’s about the people you love,” he said.  “Making sure they’re safe and that you appreciate them.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You think you’re supposed to protect the people you love?” Remus asked curiously.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not necessarily </span>
  <em>
    <span>supposed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to.  I will if anyone tries to lay a single finger on them.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Remus said, wondering where suicide fell under that idea.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I also said appreciate them,” Virgil continued.  “Make sure they know you love them and that you would help them if they need it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, and we’ve sure done a great job of that,” Remus muttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil gave him a slightly concerned look, and damn, he’d slipped up again.  Out of all of his friends, barring maybe Janus (wait, did he count?  Probably not), Virgil was definitely the best at reading emotions.  You want to figure out why you’re feeling your emotions, go to Logan.  You want sympathy and understanding that it’s okay to feel that way, go to Patton.  You want your emotions to be ignored?  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> go to Virgil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus,” Virgil started.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve got to get home,” Remus said, standing.  “I promised Roman I’d help make dinner tonight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, alright but—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks for the movie!  It’s always nice hanging out with you!  See you tomorrow!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, if you are going to insist on sleeping in here you are going to shut up, understand?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus had asked Roman if he could spend the night in his room.  He had been feeling lonelier than usual that week (it may or may not have something to do with him having gotten better at keeping from everyone that something was wrong), and he needed to sleep next to another person.  Roman had looked irritated, but eventually agreed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman, what do you think the meaning of life is?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus, I swear to God, if you just wanted to stay here so you could ask stupid questions—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not a stupid question.  I have a paper I’m trying to write.  I just can’t get to sleep.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And since when is that my problem?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you not have an answer?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Honestly, Remus?” Roman snapped, glaring at Remus from where he was half buried in his pillow.  “I don’t think there is one.  I think life can be a shitty thing that does shitty things due to even shittier people.  Like keeping your brother up at far too late an hour.”  He rolled over and buried his head in his pillow again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus didn’t respond to that immediately.  He figured Roman was probably asleep when he spoke up again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You really think there’s no meaning to life?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman sighed.  So he was still awake.  He didn’t snap again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” he said finally.  “Yeah, I guess.  Why would there be some grand purpose?  We’re born, we live, we— we die.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus slid a little closer and wrapped his arms around Roman.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do you ask?” Roman whispered.  “What do you think the meaning of life is?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus didn’t respond.  Roman didn’t ask again, and he remained resolute until he heard Roman start to snore.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Remus whispered to what was now no one.  “I think you’re right.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Jan.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you think the meaning of life is?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus stared at Remus.  “You’re asking me what I think the meaning of life is.  Remus, you do understand that I am a demon.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I haven’t been alive in… I don’t even remember.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus stared at him for another second.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus shrugged.  “I think the meaning of life is whatever you want it to be.  It’s going to be different for everyone, so who cares about anyone else?  Do what you need to do for you, and live your life the way you want to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you think the meaning of life is… fuck it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus rolled his eyes.  “That’s putting it much more crudely, but I suppose.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus leaned back against the edge of the roof.  “So people should just do whatever is the most fun?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did I say that?  I said do what </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> want to do.  Do you want to have fun?  Then sure.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus bit his lip and looked down.  Having fun did sound nice right now.  He was so tired of feeling stressed all the time.  Maybe “fuck it” wasn’t a bad meaning of life.  It was probably better than “nothing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up, taking in the stars that he had seen millions of times now.  “Okay.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Hey.  Hey Roman.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roman, wake up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No alarm, no Roman.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want to play hookie today and come to the mall with me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That seemed to get Roman to wake up.  “The mall?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus nodded, grinning more widely and genuinely than he had in a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You</span>
  </em>
  <span> want to go to the mall?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, we can deface mannequins!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman blinked up at him.  “Um… alright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?!  Yes!” Remus grabbed Roman by the arm and yanked him out of bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Woah, hang on, let’s eat breakfast first!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus had made a decision yesterday, during the first day of the week.  If he couldn’t help Roman (and he was pretty sure it was clear by now that he couldn’t), he was going to show Roman all the things he’d be missing in hopes that it would either help, or give his brother the best last week of life anyone could have.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And in his free time, in between weeks and on days he just couldn’t muster up the energy to hang out with Roman, he was going to do whatever the fuck he wanted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a little bit of effort, Remus managed to convince their mother to let Roman drive them to school that morning.  Yeah, their parents didn’t usually care what they did, but they really didn’t like it when they took their car out.  Neither of them were the best drivers, and the one time they’d wrecked the car had been more than enough for their parents.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nevertheless, they were eventually given permission for Roman to drive the car, and they headed to the mall, with Remus waving to Logan and Virgil who were out front as they passed the school.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, so I was thinking first we add some of Mom’s lipstick that I stole like a million years ago—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Last week?” Roman asked, raising an eyebrow as he glanced over at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Same difference.  Also I brought some of our clothes that don’t fit anymore and if we find a smaller mannequin I was thinking it would work to put them on there.  Also we can take some limbs off, and I was thinking we could put some pictures on there.  I printed out one of the Queen of England—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How long have you been planning this, exactly?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since yesterday.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I also brought duck tape.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This was a mistake, wasn’t it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They arrived at the mall ten minutes later, and Remus grabbed Roman by the wrist and headed straight for the Macy’s at the back of the first floor.  They waited until the employees weren’t around, and then Remus pulled out the lipstick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Roman, you’re gonna kiss it,” Remus said.  “And we’re gonna take two pictures to make it look like you left a giant lipstick stain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know this is going to get us kicked out, right?” Roman said, even as he started to grin.  “Someone is going to see us on the cameras.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well then you should move fast, lazy dick, come on,” Remus said, gesturing towards the mannequins.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t even know where this thing has been,” Roman said with an amused head shake as he walked up to the mannequin.  Remus pulled out his phone, as Roman pressed his lips to the mannequin’s cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude, you’re barely touching it,” Remus said, lowering the phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This thing is gross!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have limited time here,” Remus said, gesturing urgently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman groaned a little and pressed a full kiss to the mannequin’s cheek.  “Excellent,” Remus said, snapping a picture.  “Now make a lipstick stain.”  He held out their mother’s bright red lipstick, which Roman took before turning back to the mannequin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman headed back over to Remus once he finished, who took another picture.  “Okay, now I’m adding the Queen of England,” Remus said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was about to walk forward when they heard, “Hey!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, run!” Remus screamed, grabbing Roman’s arm and pulling them both out of the store, across the hall and into the J.C. Penny.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Queen of England!” Remus cried, as they skidded to a stop in front of another mannequin.  He pulled out duck tape and scissors and cut off a piece, sticking it to the back of the picture of the Queen of England.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gimme it!” Roman called, snatching it from Remus and sticking it on the mannequin, before turning back to face him.  “Give me your old jacket,” he said, gesturing wildly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus reached into his backpack and pulled it out, and Roman had gotten it on all but one arm of the mannequin before they heard an employee start yelling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t get it on!” Roman cried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take the arm!” Remus screamed, leaping for it and throwing his body weight against it.  The arm popped off, and Remus snatched it off the ground before they both ran out of the mall to the sound of alarms going off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, shit, evacuate!” Roman screamed, fumbling for the car keys as Remus started laughing, holding the mannequin arm above his head like a trophy as they sprinted through the mall, ignoring the stares of the people around them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They weren’t stopped by anyone in time, meaning that Remus ran out the front door and made it to the car while carrying the arm of a mannequin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both climbed into the car and shut the doors quickly, and Remus immediately burst into laughter.  “Well, that didn’t last nearly as long as I planned,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman gave a laugh himself.  “You’re nuts, you know that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, but I have them,” Remus said with a grin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ew,” Roman said, smacking him on the arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it’s like… not even ten o’clock yet, do you have anything else you want to do today Ro-ro?” Remus asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where did this impromptu bonding session come from?” Roman asked with a slightly baffled look.  “Since when do you want to play hookie and deface mall mannequins with me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh come on, we never spend enough time together!” Remus said with a grin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman raised an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I was bored of homework,” Remus lied.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now that, I believe.  Do you want to see if that haunted restaurant place is open yet?  I’m pretty sure they open for lunch, but we could always go there a couple hours from now if you want to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus grinned even wider.  “You think I can find a ghost who wants to fuck me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus </span>
  <em>
    <span>Christ,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Remus.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe a demon then.  I happen to know a demon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure you do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Turns out, the haunted restaurant opened at eleven, so they drove around for an hour shit-talking teachers and other students, and ended up in the parking lot at twenty minutes to eleven.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So I think Grant is going to try and go for the lead role this year,” Roman was saying, as Remus pondered how Roman could talk about events a couple months from now as if he was still going to be there for them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Grant,” Remus said, narrowing his eyes as he tried to come up with an idea as to who that was.  He got a memory of one of the frat boy wannabes who had cornered him in the hallway a week after Roman’s death to make some kind of joke about the lead role being easier to get.  Remus had knocked one of his teeth out.  “Grant is a dick.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman turned and blinked at him in surprise.  “Have you ever even talked to him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t need to,” Remus lied.  “It’s a vibe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus, come on,” Roman said, sounding a little exasperated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Roman, he sucks okay?  Just take my word for it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman held up his hands with a sigh.  “Alright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus gave a sigh of his own and leaned against the window, not wanting to deal with his mood plummeting due to thinking about dickheads, but unsure if he could avoid it or not.  Roman seemed to notice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Remus?” he asked quietly.  “Is there another reason you wanted to do this today?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t just want to spend time with my brother?” Remus murmured.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>can,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Roman said.  “You haven’t really wanted to lately.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Remus said quietly, because that was so long ago he had no idea if that was true or just a cognitive distortion like Logan talked about.  This was probably a bad idea, but… “Roman?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus leaned across the car and pulled Roman close to him.  It was nice.  They hadn’t hugged in a while, by either standard he was pretty sure.  “I love you, okay?” Remus said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could feel Roman’s concern, and he wanted to smash it like a bug and tell Roman to just hug him back, dammit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, however, Roman did hug him too.  “I love you too, Remus,” he said, and woah.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Woah.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus couldn’t remember the last time Roman had said </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> to him.  He hadn’t expected it to hit so poignantly.  He blinked fast a couple times and sniffed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman leaned back in shock.  “Are you </span>
  <em>
    <span>crying?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, shut up, I’ll tear your lungs out,” Remus spat, wiping at his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Woah, hey.  What’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nothing,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Remus hissed, because confrontation </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t work.</span>
  </em>
  <span>  He’d tried so many times and it </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t work,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and he just wanted to go eat lunch with his brother at the spooky haunted restaurant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman was quiet for a minute.  “Okay,” he said eventually.  He reached for the car door.  No, no, no, that sounded like Roman’s resigned voice, and he didn’t want to go back yet, he just wanted to have lunch, why couldn’t he just have a nice time with his brother, just this once?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roman, wait—” he started, but as Roman started turning around, the car vanished, and Remus fell backwards due to the momentum of suddenly not having a seat underneath him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wanted to scream.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So since when do you want to try acting?” Roman asked, as he passed the copy he’d made of Romeo and Juliet over to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I dunno.  Since now?  Just sounded like fun.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman gave him a slightly suspicious look, but eventually seemed to shrug it off, cleared his throat, and looked down to the book he was holding.  “‘Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona, where we lay our scene, from ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean—’”  He looked up and seemed to see Remus’ blank face.  “You look like you don’t understand a word I’m saying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought you said Shakespeare made a lot of dick jokes,” Remus admitted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He does,” Roman said, setting down his book down with obvious exasperation.  “But that’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>all.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay, sorry.  I’m listening.”  Remus dropped his chin in his hands and settled down on his stomach on Roman’s bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus.  We don’t have to read Shakespeare.  You’re clearly not enjoying yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve read one sentence!  I’ll start enjoying myself!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus, you really won’t.  Trust me, I’ve read this whole thing.  There’s a reason I normally read Shakespeare with Logan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus stared at him.  “You normally read Shakespeare with Logan?” he asked, because how did he not know this exactly?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Roman said, smiling a little.  “It’s like our favorite thing to do together.  Did you not know that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I used to think you and Logan weren’t really friends,” Remus admitted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Roman asked in surprise.  “You thought I didn’t like pocket protector?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus shrugged.  “You fight all the time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s how I show I love him,” Roman said.  “You really thought I didn’t like your boyfriend?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus looked down.  “I love him, Roman,” he whispered.  There was so much he’d built up that he wanted to say to Logan, but he wouldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>understand,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Remus was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>sick</span>
  </em>
  <span> of not being understood.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I would hope so,” Roman said eventually.  “You’ve been dating for a while now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus looked up at Roman with what he was pretty sure was the fakest smile he’d ever given anyone.  Luckily, he’d gotten pretty good at doing that, and Roman smiled back, although it looked a little hesitant.  “Yeah, I just mean… well, I don’t know what I meant.  Are we reading Shakespeare or not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus winced a second after he’d said it, because that was definitely going to come off as a dodge… which it was.  Maybe Roman wouldn’t care?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman was giving him a concerned look, though, so that was out.  “I really don’t think you’re going to like it, Remus.  It’s okay.  We could do some writing instead, if you want to?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus hesitated, because that did sound more enjoyable than Shakespeare.  “Whatever you want to do is fine,” he said weakly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman gave him a look and seemed to make a decision, because he reached over to his nightside table and grabbed a notebook.  “Okay,” he said, opening to a page.  “Then let’s write the end of this scene.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want to write something together?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.  “You normally think my suggestions don’t fit your tone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, this story’s whole purpose is to piss off my teacher.  He says fantasy stories aren’t creative.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, it’s a ‘fuck you’ story!  I </span>
  <em>
    <span>can</span>
  </em>
  <span> help with that,” Remus said, starting to grin at least somewhat genuinely as he moved over to Roman’s other side so he could see the notebook better.  “What have you got so far?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman started explaining his not-so-subtle imagery about the teacher being placed as the villain of the story who wanted to suck all of the creativity and imagination from the world with his evil magic powers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You might want to go with something a little more sophisticated than ‘evil magic powers’ but so far I’m liking the direction,” Remus said.  “What if he had a pet rat?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why the fuck not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman laughed, and Remus beamed at him.  “Okay,” he said, writing something down in the margins.  “Rat it is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus,” Janus started speaking immediately the next time Remus appeared.  “You need to stop.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus blinked at him.  “Huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to stop, Remus.”  Janus looked hesitant.  “You have gone back exactly 8 million times now, and—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So?  Am I out of time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have a little more than 8 years left to live, but—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great, so I’m not out of time.”  Remus turned as he stretched his shoulders.  “Send me back then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus, you’re not going to succeed!” Janus snapped.  Remus stopped and turned to face Janus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Janus said, and Remus was shocked to find that he looked sincere.  “Remus, I truly do wish you could succeed in helping your brother.  But it has to be clear by this point that you’re not going to be able to do it.  But you don’t seem like you’re getting anywhere near stopping, and you’re going to eventually run yourself out of time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus started grinning.  “Duh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus blinked.  “What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think I don’t know that?  Wow.  Well now I know what you think about my intelligence.  You thought I went back 8 million times and was still thinking I just had to fix this one thing I was slipping up on?” Remus laughed, and he would be the first to admit it sounded a little crazy even for his standards.  “Wow, you really </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> understand me that well.  And how long have we known each other by this point?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Remus looked back up, he was surprised to find that Janus looked horrified.  “You’re… you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>trying</span>
  </em>
  <span> to run out the clock,” he said softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ding ding ding!  Took ya long enough!” Remus laughed again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am not going to send you back in time just so you can run your life away.  I don’t participate in suicides, Remus.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw, but Janny, you forget!” Remus said, walking over to where Janus was hovering and standing up on his toes so he could look him in the eyes.  “I signed a contract!  You </span>
  <em>
    <span>gotta!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus, you do not understand the effect suicide has on a person’s afterlife—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Woah, hang on.  I thought you weren’t supposed to tell me about that?” Remus asked, grinning wider.  “Not to mention you said the way someone died didn’t matter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I lied.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus put his hands over his heart and did his best impression of a country woman.  “Bless your heart, you lied to make me feel better!  Oh Janny, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> care!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Janus looked like he was growing more desperate.  “Remus, I’m serious!  You need to stop.  Go home, you have people who love you, they’ll help you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For another 8 years now?  Hardly worth it.  And this way, I’ll get to spend the last of my life with my brother.”  Remus’ smile faded a bit.  “That’s all I really want, you know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Send me back, Janus.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus, I’m serious, don’t—”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do it.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Is there a reason we have to do this—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course there is.  We have not been doing a very good job of considering Remus lately.  We need to try and take into account the fact that he is mostly likely hurting far more than any of us are.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I meant </span>
  <em>
    <span>this late at night,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Logan,” Virgil finished, rubbing at his eyes in the passenger seat.  “Did we have to all race off all at once when you had a random realization that Remus is upset?  I’m not trying to sound like I’m not taking this seriously, because I am, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>of course</span>
  </em>
  <span> he’s upset.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s…” Logan sighed.  “It’s a gut feeling.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not very logical,” Virgil said, raising an eyebrow.  “I thought that was your whole thing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know.  Would you simply trust me this time?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil held up his hands.  “Alright.”  He leaned his head on the window, and Logan heard him mutter, “I’m not going to pretend like I’m not worried for Remus anyway.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan pulled the car to a stop in front of Remus’ house and turned to the back seat.  “Patton,” he said gently, laying a hand on his knee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton jerked awake and yawned, rubbing at his own eyes.  “I’m up, I’m up, hang on.”  He yawned again.  “Sorry, I—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No need for apologies, Patton,” Logan said.  “We’re here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton looked out the window, sniffed and wiped at his nose, and climbed out of the car.  Logan and Virgil did the same a second later.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Knowing that Patton would probably burst into tears and Virgil would probably freeze up if they had to talk to Remus’ parents directly, Logan stepped forward and knocked on the door.  No one approached it for long enough that Logan rang the doorbell and knocked a second time.  They waited around thirty seconds, and finally the door was pulled open and Mrs. Prince looked out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Logan?  It’s the middle of the night, what— and Patton and Virgil are with you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Mrs. Prince,” Virgil said, waving and giving a weak smile.  “We just wanted to see how Remus is doing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mrs. Prince sighed and stepped back inside, leaving the door open behind her and starting for the stairs.  While normally, such a thing would be rude, he could hardly hold it against her, especially lately.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Patton shut the door as the last person to step into the house, and all of them started for the stairs that led up to Remus’ room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe this really was a bad idea,” Virgil muttered.  “What if we wake him up and he gets pissed at us?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s Remus,” Logan pointed out.  “If anything, he’ll be touched if we show up in the middle of the night.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil made a small noise of agreement and followed Logan as he stepped into the upstairs hallway and towards Remus’ bedroom, just in time for Mrs. Prince to shut the doorway to her own room behind her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan knocked on Remus’ door before opening it.  “Remus?  I know it’s the middle of the night, we just wanted to—” he stopped as the door swung open to reveal the room was empty.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where is he?” Virgil asked, sounding just as anxious as Logan was starting to feel.  He stepped into the room and started to look around, as Virgil and Patton did the same.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where is he?” Virgil asked again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Virgil, just hang on a second.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll call him,” Patton said, reaching for his phone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan ended up at Remus’ desk as Patton put his phone to his ear, and noticed a pile of crumpled up papers and a stack of four pages in the middle of the desk.  He picked up one, trying very hard to ignore the sinking feeling in his chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He didn’t answer,” Patton said from behind him.  “But… it was weird.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean it was weird?” came Virgil’s voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It said the phone was out of range?  But how could Remus have gotten far enough away for that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t think he like, decided to hop on a plane and flee the country or something, do you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well… as random as Remus is, I don’t think so.  Maybe—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan stumbled backwards and knocked the desk chair over, and Patton and Virgil immediately stopped talking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Logan?” Patton asked hesitantly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan turned around, sure his face displayed all the horror he felt.  He could see Patton and Virgil grow worried almost immediately.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Logan, what’s wrong?” Virgil asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We have to go,” Logan said.  “We have to go right now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?  Why?  Where?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The place, the— Roman’s building!” Logan cried, shoving the papers towards Virgil’s chest by way of explanation and grabbing both of their wrists to drag them out of the room and towards the stairs.  They didn’t have any time to lose.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know this chapter is pretty short, so I'll post the next one in two days instead of three.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus had taken to hanging out with Virgil.  After a <em> long </em> time to mull it over, he’d decided silence wasn’t so bad.  They both spent quite a bit of time watching movies or sitting on the couch as Remus wrote, or fidgeted, or did nothing at all.</p>
<p>…It freaked Virgil out.</p>
<p>It was only a matter of time before he said anything, and it was really only Remus’ complete lack of care for anything that prevented him from just telling Virgil to get on with it most of the time.</p>
<p>“Okay, dude.”</p>
<p>Ah, so it was finally time.  Remus turned to look at Virgil.</p>
<p>“What is <em> wrong </em> with you?”</p>
<p>“Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine,” Remus said casually, turning back to the story he had been working on.</p>
<p>“Remus, you’re not fooling anyone.  Come on.  Something is wrong, I can tell.”</p>
<p>“Nothing’s wrong,” Remus repeated, and turned back to his story again.</p>
<p>And nothing was.  This was what he wanted.  If he couldn’t save his brother, he sure as fuck wasn’t going to live in a world without him.  He didn’t care how many people noticed or thought they could help him.  This is what he was going to do.  This was what he wanted.  Right?  Yeah.</p>
<p>Remus wrote a couple more words out when Virgil spoke up again.  “Seriously, man.  You’re worrying me.  You’re not like this.  You’re loud and random and obviously <em> there. </em>  What’s wrong?”</p>
<p>“Stop asking,” Remus said, and kept writing.</p>
<p>“Wha— Remus!”  Virgil grabbed his shoulder and turned Remus to face him, and Remus jerked backwards as soon as he did.  “Remus, we’re worried about you.”</p>
<p>“Stop worrying about <em> me!” </em> Remus snapped.</p>
<p>“We’re not <em> going to!” </em> Virgil snapped right back.  “Remus, I care about you, and you are clearly going through something.  What is wrong?”</p>
<p>“Go ask your boyfriend,” Remus said, and glared back down at his notebook.</p>
<p>“My boyfri— this is about Roman?”</p>
<p>“No, I meant the other idiot you’re in love with,” Remus muttered.  “Virgil, I don’t want to talk.  The whole reason I came here is because you’re the person that Roman comes to when he wants to sit and be quiet, so can we do that please?”</p>
<p>Virgil didn’t say anything for a moment, and Remus sighed inwardly.</p>
<p>“Oh man, something is seriously messed up with you.  Remus, you need to talk to someone.”</p>
<p>“Have I not now mentioned multiple times that I came here to <em> avoid </em> doing that?  Just back off, Virgil.”</p>
<p>Virgil didn’t say anything else, and Remus thought it would be over, when eventually he scooted closer to him and hesitantly pressed against Remus’ side, going back to his phone and not saying anything else.</p>
<p>Ah, Remus knew this.  This was a Patton strategy.  Reminding the other person you were there when they’d made it clear they weren’t going to talk.  Well.  He hadn’t had any kind of physical affection in a while, he could tolerate this.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Logan spent far more time in the library than Remus had ever realized.  But libraries were also quiet, so Remus liked them now.  Logan tried to talk too, but it was still a library, so often the two sat there in silence and did homework or read books.  Well, Logan did homework.  There was no point in Remus doing homework that was never going to matter long-term.</p>
<p>Sitting quietly with Logan was something he hadn’t done until recently-of-sorts, and Remus found that it revealed a whole new side to Logan that he loved— namely, the times he wasn’t quiet.  That seemed a little paradoxical, but given how comfortable Logan was sitting and being quiet, that means that when he did loud and random and chaotic things with Remus he was doing it solely for his sake.  It made Remus love him all the more.  He wished he could have time to make up for never taking into account what Logan wanted.</p>
<p>He could feel Logan’s concerned stare on him the whole time they were there, however, so when Logan spoke up he was a little annoyed, but not surprised.</p>
<p>“Remus?  Are you alright?”</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” Remus said, in the tone of voice that he hoped conveyed that he knew this was coming but still wasn’t happy about it.</p>
<p>“You’ve been behaving strangely, I was just wondering if something was wrong—”</p>
<p>“Well, nothing is,” Remus said.  “Logan, I really don’t want to talk about it, I’m sure you of all people would understand, so please just let it go.”</p>
<p>Thankfully, Logan did.  He could still feel his concerned look, and he considered briefly trying to pretend nothing was wrong, but he didn’t have the energy right now.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Patton was an exception.  It was <em> so </em> hard to stay upset around Patton.  Especially when you wished more than anything that you didn’t have anything to be upset about.  So when Patton invited him over to bake, he said yes with the expectation that Patton would raise his spirits a little.</p>
<p>And he did.</p>
<p>“Nothing, it just waved!” Patton finished with a bright smile, and Remus burst into laughter, the kind that Patton’s puns definitely shouldn’t have the ability to cause, but when Patton was so earnest and sincere, and everyone else was just worried about him all of the time, it was easy to forget that.  Patton also seemed very happy whenever Remus laughed at his puns, and that didn’t hurt.</p>
<p>It was a denial kind of happiness, but at this point, Remus would take what he could get.</p>
<p>“Hey, Patton, can I add lemon?”</p>
<p>“Lemon juice?  Oh, that would make the cupcakes a little tangy!  That sounds interesting, sure, go ahead!”</p>
<p>“Oh, no I meant—” Remus reached past Patton and held up a bag of the full-size fruits.  “Lemons!”</p>
<p>Patton laughed a little, although Remus wasn’t quite sure what was funny.  “Well, those would be a little big,” he said with a grin.  “But now I really want to add some lemon juice.  Could you grab it out of the fridge?”</p>
<p>“Sure!” Remus called, beaming at Patton, and he headed over to the fridge and pulled it open, looking for the lemon juice, and finding it in the door.</p>
<p>“Hey, why are we making cupcakes if there’s already a cake in the fridge?” Remus asked, as he handed Patton the container.</p>
<p>“Oh, shoot, you weren’t supposed to see that!”  Patton called out, smacking himself in the forehead.  “That was for your and Roman’s birthday in a month.  Or well, practice.  I’m trying to make the cake myself.  Why do you think we’re making cupcakes too?  I wanted it to be perfect.  Just— well, dang it, don’t spoil the surprise for Roman, okay?”</p>
<p>“Our birthday,” Remus said slowly.  “Our birthday is next month?”</p>
<p>“Yeah!” Patton said brightly, smiling at him, if also looking a little confused.  “Don’t tell me you forgot your own birthday!”</p>
<p>To be honest, it had been so long since Remus had celebrated his and Roman’s birthday that he didn’t even remember what the date was.  He smiled weakly at Patton.  “I won’t ruin the surprise,” he promised.</p>
<p>He didn’t feel like being denial-happy anymore.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>“Remus, your knee is digging into my stomach.”</p>
<p>“Get over yourself,” Remus grumbled, burying his face further into Roman’s chest.</p>
<p>“Jesus— Remus, I can kick you out if you’re going to be a dick about it.”  Roman backed up a little and Remus, in resignation, straightened his legs out so he wasn’t kneeing Roman anymore.  “Since when do we sleep in the same bed anyway, we’re not 12 anymore.”</p>
<p>Remus slid closer in response and protest.  He’d used the nightmare excuse a couple times.  He tried to limit it to once a week.  He just… needed to be close to Roman right now.  It already made him feel pathetic, he was sure Janus would laugh— well, maybe not anymore.  Janus had been weird since he told Remus to stop coming back.  He looked desperate and sad and like he honestly cared what would happen to Remus.  But that couldn’t be it.</p>
<p>Regardless, if he and Roman were both going to die soon… he just wanted to hug his brother a couple thousand more times before they did.</p>
<p>“Hey, Roman?” he murmured.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Thanks for letting me sleep in here.”</p>
<p>“I—” Roman sighed.  “Of course, Remus.  I love you, you know.”</p>
<p>Yeah.  Still wasn’t used to hearing that.  Remus had kept much closer count of how many times Roman said that than he had of how many times he came back.  That right there made 23.  They really needed to tell each other they loved each other more than they did.  Too late to fix it now, though.</p>
<p>“Love you too,” Remus muttered, pulling Roman in for the best hug he could manage on a bed.  Experience taught him that he’d probably wake up on the roof.  Usually Roman took an exchange of “I love you”s as finishing whatever he needed to with Remus, and made up his mind after that happened.  Remus wished he could take it for what it was— the best he could come up with for a plea to stay.</p>
<p>Oh well.  Too late, he supposed.  A lot of things were too late.  But this was what he wanted.  To spend the last of his life with his brother.  He was getting what he wanted.</p>
<p>…Remus wondered if it would ever be too late to lie to himself.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>“Sleeping again?”</p>
<p>Janus sounded different this time as Remus opened his eyes.  Whenever he fell asleep first he always ended up on his side laying on the roof.  It wasn’t exactly very comfortable.  He was still never quite sure how that worked.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he said.</p>
<p>“Hmm.”</p>
<p>Remus raised an eyebrow.  “What, no desperate pleas about why I should stay?  You’ve become very good at those.”</p>
<p>Janus shook his head.  “Not this time.”</p>
<p>“Huh.”  Remus smiled a little.  It was probably intended to be triumphant, but it didn’t come anywhere close.  “Okay.  Let’s go then.  Send me back again.”</p>
<p>Janus sighed, and he sounded defeated.  “I can’t.”</p>
<p>Remus pushed himself up onto his elbows.  “Hey, we’ve been over this.  You just said you weren’t gonna try and make me stay this time.  I signed your contract—”</p>
<p>“Remus, you don’t have three minutes left to live.”</p>
<p>Remus blinked, and looked up at Janus.  He didn’t look desperate anymore, just sad.  He wasn’t lying.  “Oh.”  Remus dropped back down again.  “Huh.”</p>
<p>Well, that was it then.  This was how it all was going to end.  Felt a little anticlimactic for someone like him.</p>
<p>The door on the other side of the roof that led to the stairwell burst open, and Remus had just enough time to think, ‘That’s more like it,’ before Logan dropped to his knees in front of him.</p>
<p>Remus also had just enough time to take in Logan’s desperation, and to his shock, the tears streaming down his face before Logan pulled him upwards into his arms.  “Oh thank god,” he said.  “You’re okay.”</p>
<p>“Hey, Lo,” Remus murmured, and this was good, wasn’t it?  Now he got to say goodbye.</p>
<p>“Remus!” came a different voice, and out of the same door rushed Patton, followed by Virgil, both of who sprinted across the roof to kneel next to them.  Virgil was holding several pieces of paper.  They looked like the first drafts of his suicide notes that he’d written a lifetime ago.</p>
<p>Oh, yeah, this was better.  Now he got to say goodbye to everyone.  Barring his parents, but they would be… they would be…</p>
<p>Remus burst into tears and buried his head in Logan’s shoulder.  “I’m sorry,” he sobbed.  “I tried to, I did, I—”</p>
<p>“You tried to what, Remus?” Logan asked, pulling them both up into a sitting position so he could wipe Remus’ tears away as he talked.  “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“I tried— I was trying to help him, I— I couldn’t—”</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Logan said, pulling Remus close again, and Patton joined him on one side, Virgil on the other a few seconds later.  “Remus, it’s okay.”</p>
<p>“But it’s not— it’s not, I— I tried, and I— I couldn’t do it.  I— I’m a horrible brother—”</p>
<p>“Remus, <em> no.” </em>  Virgil said firmly, hugging him tighter.  “None of us managed to help him.  That doesn’t make you any worse or better than anyone else.”</p>
<p>“But— but I’m his brother,” Remus insisted.  “If I can’t help him on my own, then—”</p>
<p>“Sometimes we’re not enough, Remus,” Patton said through some very obvious tears.  Remus pulled back a little from Logan and looked over at him.  “It doesn’t make us bad family, or bad people, it just makes us… not enough.”</p>
<p>Remus wiped his nose and pulled in a shaky gasp.  “Oh,” he whispered.  “Really?”</p>
<p>Patton laughed through a sob and pulled Remus into another hug.  “Yes, really,” he whispered back.</p>
<p>“I love you, Remus,” Logan said, wrapping his arm around Remus’ side now that Patton was hugging him from the front.  “We all love you.  And we’ve already lost one friend.  We’re not losing another one, understand?”</p>
<p>Remus turned, buried his head in Logan’s chest, and sobbed.  “I’m sorry,” he choked out.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, Remus,” Logan said.  “You don’t have to be sorry.  You didn’t do anything wrong.”</p>
<p>Remus shook his head, and pulled back to look at Logan, who was crying in the way Logan never did.  He looked at Patton who was crying in the way he always did, but holding Remus’ hand so tightly, and Virgil who looked like he wanted to dive inside of Remus’ brain and murder his self-loathing.</p>
<p>He thought this was what he wanted.  It <em> had </em> been what he wanted.  But now that he was here…</p>
<p>“I don’t want to die,” Remus sobbed, burying his head in Logan’s chest again.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to Remus, we’re here, you’re fine,” Logan whispered.</p>
<p>Remus shook his head again.  “You don’t understand.”</p>
<p>Logan pushed him back to arm’s length.  “What don’t we understand?” he whispered.</p>
<p>“He’s talking about me.”</p>
<p>Everyone who wasn’t Remus cried out and whirled around to see Janus hovering behind them.</p>
<p>“What the fuck?!” Virgil screeched.</p>
<p>“Remus currently has about 30 seconds left to live,” Janus said, and Remus saw everyone else freeze at the same time.</p>
<p>“What are you talking about?” Virgil growled, and he leapt to his feet.  “Who are you?  What did you do to him?”</p>
<p>Remus missed Janus’ response, because he was suddenly finding it very hard to breathe.  He vaguely registered Logan grabbing for him and pulling him closer, but beyond that all he could focus on was trying to pull another breath in and failing he couldn’t breathe oh god, oh god this was it he really was going to die—</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Remus—” Logan tried to look over Remus, which was hard to do when he was hugging him and panicking at the same time.  “What’s happening?” he asked, whirling around to face the thing behind them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The thing sighed.  “My name is Janus,” he said.  “I’m a demon.  Remus made a deal with me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He did </span>
  <em>
    <span>what?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Virgil exclaimed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t believe you if you weren’t floating,” Patton said weakly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have the contract,” Janus said, but Logan stopped paying attention when Remus went limp in his arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus?  Remus?!”  Logan laid him down on the roof and put an ear to his chest, and he was pretty sure his own heart skipped a beat when he heard nothing there.  He yanked his glasses off so they wouldn’t fall of his face and knelt over Remus’ chest to start doing chest compressions, trying desperately to think back to the CPR class from last year that he should </span>
  <em>
    <span>remember,</span>
  </em>
  <span> what was wrong with him—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not going to work,” Janus said, reappearing in front of Logan, though that didn’t make much of a difference with his glasses somewhere across the roof.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did you do?!” Logan snapped.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> anything,” Janus said, looking just as angry as Logan felt.  “I’ve been trying to convince him to </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop</span>
  </em>
  <span> going back in time for that last eight years or so.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Back in time?” Patton asked, at the same time Virgil said “Eight years?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Metaphorically speaking,” Janus said, addressing Virgil.  “The contract Remus signed allowed him to go back in time and try and save his brother, but every time he went back he lost three minutes of his own life.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How— how many times did he go back?” Patton asked faintly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“12,272,137,” Janus said, sounding not at all happy with that fact.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ,” Virgil whispered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That was his life,” Janus said, sounding actually sad.  “He doesn’t have any time left to—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Give them to me, then!” Logan snapped, glaring up at Janus.  “Give me those lost years.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus raised an eyebrow.  “Pardon?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Logan, </span>
  <em>
    <span>no,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Patton said firmly.  “You’re not going to choose Remus over yourself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine, give me half then,” Logan snapped, letting go of Remus and extending a hand for Janus to shake.  “Now.  Do it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Make that a third!” Patton blurted, putting his own hand out in front of him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A fourth,” Virgil said instantly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus raised an eyebrow.  “You’re sure?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No one said anything to take it back, so Janus nodded and waved his hand.  Nothing seemed to happen at first, and Logan was about to scream at Janus again when—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly, the world seemed to jolt as if slipping back into place, and Remus pulled in a huge gulp of air.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He heard multiple cries of “REMUS!” and was yanked upwards and engulfed in hugs again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wha— what—” he coughed and tried to grab onto something to hold him steady.  “What happened?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Janus explained what happened, you moron,” Virgil said, squeezing Remus much too tightly.  “So we all took a quarter of your years from you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He—”  Remus was interrupted by coughing again, and someone grabbed his arm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I told you,” Logan said, from the spot right above his chin.  “We’ve already lost one friend.  We’re not losing another one.”  Logan pushed Remus backwards until Remus could see his face, and he looked much more determined than Remus thought he’d ever seen before.  “Understand?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus nodded a little, feeling too weak to do anything else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Janus,” Patton said from Remus’ left.  “You can send anyone back in time, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can,” Janus replied.  “I’m not usually allowed to without a contract.  But I will be… more than happy to make an exception.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Patton,” Remus croaked.  “I tried.  I tried over and over again, Roman isn’t going to listen.  I never even made it to the night he…” he trailed off, not feeling particularly like saying the words allowed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Virgil said from his other side.  “Why don’t we just go back to the night of, then?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus turned to stare at him.  “What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If we can’t convince him otherwise, let’s take the convincing part out.  We go back to the night of and we stop him.  It’ll also probably be easier to get him to not… hurt himself when we don’t have to act like nothing’s wrong.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus sniffed.  “I’m an idiot for never letting you guys help, aren’t I?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, you are,” Logan said plainly, pulling Remus close again.  “But it’s alright.  We’re all here.  We’re okay.  We’re going to be okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You sound kinda like you’re trying to convince yourself, Lo,” Remus murmured.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Logan laughed, and it sounded way too broken for Remus’ liking.  “You’re on to something there, Remus.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Patton said.  Remus turned around so he could see everyone else while staying close to Logan.  “So who lives close to here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do,” Virgil said.  “Five minutes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Janus, do you think you could give Virgil enough time to get here while I pick up Logan and Remus and get us all here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re going to drive?” Logan asked, raising an eyebrow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You both are clearly very shaken, Logan,” Patton said firmly.  “I’ll be fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can do that,” Janus said.  Remus glanced over to see him looking both very relieved and very curious.  “Are you all ready?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone nodded at various times, and Janus flicked his wrist again (dramatic little shit), and for what was hopefully the last time (please let it be the last time), the world around them vanished.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus had been sleeping the night Roman killed himself.  He was woken up by Logan shaking his shoulder, and he leapt from the bed, ignoring the fact that he was still wearing pajamas in favor of appreciating the fact that he didn’t nearly collapse as he got to his feet.  Time travel.  It’ll cure what ails ya.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Both of them sprinted down the stairs, out the front door of the house, and into the car that Patton was already waiting in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus barely remembered the drive back to the building.  It was the same drive he had taken, decades ago at this point.  He didn’t even remember what the building looked like aside from the roof, and held on to Logan’s hand as Patton led them to the stairwell.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Virgil was holding onto Roman’s arm near the edge of the roof when Patton pushed the door open.  When Roman noticed the rest of them emerging, Remus could see him give up, and he climbed down from the ledge he was standing on, at the very least seeming to get that they weren’t going to let him die tonight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus let go of Logan’s hand and stumbled across the roof, past Virgil, and all but collapsed on top of Roman, dragging them both farther away from the edge.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why won’t you just believe that I care about you?” he asked weakly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What— what are you talking about?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus pulled Roman further backwards until they were both swept up in a hug by Patton and Logan.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Idiots,” Virgil choked out, joining in on the hug from the other side of Roman.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The five of them eventually ended up sitting on the roof, with Roman and Remus both being surrounded by everyone else in some way.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t understand,” Roman said, and he was so obviously crying, Remus was </span>
  <em>
    <span>so sick</span>
  </em>
  <span> of crying.  “How did you know I would be here?  I didn’t— I didn’t leave any notes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You left your diary,” Remus pointed out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You found my diary?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, not yet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not yet— what are you talking about?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello again,” came Janus’ voice, and Remus opened his eyes to see him in front of all of them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Jan,” he murmured.  “Thanks.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who the fuck is this and why is he floating?” Roman breathed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus got a flash of a vague memory about Roman not being able to see Janus at first because he’d made up his mind.  He felt something in his chest release, just a little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s Janus,” Patton said, leaning back from the hug and wiping at the tears on Roman’s face.  “He’s the reason Remus almost died.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, I also saved his life!” Janus protested.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because you nearly caused his death in the first place,” Virgil snapped, glaring at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Guys, can we not get mad at Janus?” Remus asked.  “He’s a close friend at this point, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What does he mean you almost died?” Roman asked, turning to Remus with the kind of determination Remus was used to seeing from his brother when he wanted answers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I believe I can explain that again,” Janus said, rolling his eyes.  “You humans always have to know everything.  Listen up, I won’t be repeating myself a fourth time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus chuckled a little.  “You have an awful lot of impatience for an immortal demon,” he muttered, pressing himself against Roman’s side to reassure himself that he really was still there that time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time Janus finished explaining, Remus could tell Roman was crying too, and everyone had shifted to hugging Remus again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why would you do that?” Roman asked, squeezing Remus in yet another of (not nearly enough) hugs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why would you kill yourself, you idiot?” Remus said, burying his head in Roman’s shoulder.  “What did you think was going to happen, I was going to bounce back after a short funeral and take Logan on a stargazing date?  You’re my fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>brother.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” Roman trailed off.  His expression turned unreadable and Remus couldn’t even begin to imagine what he was thinking.  Eventually, he just pulled Remus closer again and buried his head in his hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus was going to tell him that that probably wasn’t such a great idea, as he probably hadn’t washed his hair in a while, when Janus spoke up again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know something?  I don’t think I understand humans as well as I thought I did.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus turned and looked over at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You all are something entirely different than what I’ve experienced before,” Janus said.  “I thought I would understand Remus in ten years, tops.  But I am still baffled by him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe stick around, then,” Remus called.  “You can become an anthropologist.  You and Logan can work together.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Janus smiled at him.  “I might do that,” he said.  “I’ll be seeing you, Remus.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus gave as much of a wave as he could without being able to move his arm, and Janus vanished again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Virgil said instantly, and turned back to face Roman.  “We’re going to have some things to talk about.  You,” he leaned forward and looked Roman pointedly in the eyes.  “Need to get help.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus looked over at his brother, and by the look on his face, Roman seemed to have resigned himself to the situation.  But then, to Remus’ surprise, he turned and looked over at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus waited, not quite sure what for, as Roman seemed to take him in.  “So do you,” he said finally.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus blinked.  “What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman is correct,” Logan said, standing up from his spot on the other side of Patton and moving to sit in front of Remus.  “Remus, you… you’ve been under far too much stress for far too long.  I’m not sure how much you’ll be able to talk about your experiences directly, but I think seeing a professional would be a good idea for both of you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus nodded slowly.  “Okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Patton echoed.  “Now, um… let’s go home?  I don’t want to be here anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I never want to see this place again,” Remus murmured.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re all coming back to your house,” Virgil said, in his rarely-used tone that meant no arguing, as he looked back and forth between Roman and Remus.  Remus wasn’t going to argue anyway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Twenty minutes later, they were back home, curled up on the pull-out couch with Roman and Remus both in the center of everyone.  It took Remus a long time to convince his brain that when he went to sleep, he wasn’t going to wake up back on the roof.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t even sure he got there by the time he drifted off, but his brother was right next to him, and, for right now, that made things a little more okay.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Um… good morning?  Does anyone want to explain this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus was pretty sure the ‘oof’ a second later was his father getting hit in the face with a pillow— most likely due to the fact that Remus had thrown a pillow in his general direction.  “We’re sick,” he grumbled, burying his face back in Roman’s chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“All five of you,” his father said in a very disbelieving tone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re sick of you, does that count?” Virgil mumbled, though Remus was certain it was much too quiet for him to hear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus was too exhausted to do much other than fall asleep again— hey don’t judge him, it’s been a </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> long week— so he missed what happened next, but no one came to get them up, and when Remus woke up again, it was long past school time.  By the time everyone woke up and they’d all eaten something, Janus had shown up.  Remus had said hi, given him the first hug he thought they’d shared, and watched him get death glares from everyone else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yeah, Janus was probably gonna have to be patient if he wanted everyone to like him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No one kicked him out, though, and eventually they all picked movies they were going to spend the rest of the day watching, including the Nightmare Before Christmas, The Black Cauldron, and the Little Mermaid (all chosen by Roman).  Remus had walked over to the movie closet and grabbed three horror movies to add to the list.  For once, no one commented.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Before we watch anything,” Roman said hesitantly.  He glanced over at Remus.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman sighed.  “I think we need to tell Mom and Dad what happened,” he said softly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ew.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, we’re not going to be able to afford a therapist out of pocket money,” Roman pointed out, looking just as miserable as the idea made Remus.  “They’re going to have to know something’s wrong.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can go with you if you want,” Logan said, taking Remus’ hand from his spot next to him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, you and Virgil will just end up yelling at them, and they wouldn’t even be able to see Janus,” Roman said.  “And Patton will stand in the corner giving them a passive-aggressive stink eye.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Some people deserve a passive-aggressive stink eye,” Patton muttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus sighed and looked down.  “Yeah, we’re gonna have to do this,” he grumbled.  “They’re both working from home today, right?  They’ll be in the office?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ll be here to angrily rant when you get back if you want,” Virgil said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We may or may not take you up on that,” Roman said with a little smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ll send out a search party if you’re not back in fifteen minutes,” Logan said with a smile that meant he was clearly joking.  Remus grinned at him and gave him a peck on the lips before both of them started for the office down the hallway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus banged on the door probably a little too loudly, and it was opened a couple seconds later by their mother.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you two were sick today,” she said, raising an eyebrow.  “You don’t look sick.  You can’t just skip out on class because you feel like it—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We need to tell you something,” Roman said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their mother sighed and stepped back, allowing them into the room.  Their father was in the middle of a phone call over by his desk, and held up a finger to show he was almost done.  Remus waited patiently for about fifteen seconds before walking over and ripping the headset off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His father turned and stared at him, his face quickly growing angry.  “Young man, you do not get to—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roman and I tried to kill ourselves last night,” Remus said.  He turned and walked back over to stand next to Roman, who gave him a look.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shrugged.  “I figured it would be easier to blurt it out than to wait for them to stop being mad,” he muttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus,” his mother said, sounding very tense, “I know you have a tendency to joke about inappropriate things.  But that isn’t funny.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mom, Remus isn’t joking,” Roman said, looking up at her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their mom glanced over at Roman, who held her gaze for as long as he could before looking down.  Remus stepped a little closer, hoping it would be comforting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You—” their mom started, and stopped.  “You’re serious?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman grabbed Remus’ hand and squeezed it a little too hard before nodding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their mom took a couple steps back and sank into her desk chair, suddenly very pale.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why—” Remus looked over at their father, who was looking at them in disbelief.  “Why didn’t you tell us if you—” he stopped.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We are.  That’s what we’re doing, right now, we’re telling you,” Roman said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The friends out there in the living room that you probably yelled at this morning stopped us,” Remus said.  “They think we should see a therapist.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their mother suddenly stood up, and both of them turned to face her.  She walked a couple steps forward until she was standing in front of them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are my children,” she whispered, taking one of each of their hands.  “You are my sons, and I love you.”  Before Remus could reply, she pulled them both into a hug.  Remus blinked in shock.  He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d gotten a hug from his mother.  “I love you more than anything in the world,” she whispered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you too, Mom,” Roman whispered.  Remus didn’t say anything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eventually, in a move that definitely shocked the universe, Remus felt his father’s arms encircle them from behind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We both love you so much,” their father said softly, and as if Remus wasn’t shocked enough already, it sounded like he was crying.  “We’ll talk about— we’re going to figure this out, okay?  We love you so much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus looked down at his feet and slowly stepped out from his parents arms.  He felt all eyes in the room on him as he spoke.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t believe you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman was the first one to walk over and hug him.  Remus returned that hug easily, and then they both turned to face their parents again, both of whom were crying.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s okay, baby,” their mother whispered, and she wiped at her eyes.  “That’s okay, we haven’t— we haven’t done much to earn that, have we?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus shook his head.  “I think I would like to talk to a therapist,” he said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course you can,” his father said.  “We’ll set that up tonight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Remus said.  “Good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re going to go watch some movies now,” Roman said.  “I think everyone else is going to want to stay for dinner.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s fine,” their mother said, wiping at her eyes again.  “We’ll, um, we’ll order pizza.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman nodded, and they both walked out of the room.  Without saying anything, they both went a little further down the hallway and Roman leaned back against the wall.  “Well, that was a nightmare,” he mumbled.  “I don’t know if I want to go back and see everyone else looking at us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s okay.  Let’s just stay here for a moment,” Remus said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman nodded a little, and they both lapsed into silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus broke it by sniffing and wiping at his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Remus?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus stepped across the hallway and dropped his head on Roman’s chest.  “Roman,” he whispered.  “Why wasn’t I enough for you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman stilled.  After a second, he wrapped his arms slowly around him.  “I… I don’t know,” he admitted softly.  “I think… I think I just needed help from more than one person, Remus.  I don’t think it had anything to do with you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You do realize that doesn’t really make me feel better, right?” Remus mumbled miserably.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you,” Remus said.  “So much, I do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you too, Remus.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus sniffed again.  “I do believe you,” he said quietly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good.”  Roman nudged Remus back a little so they could look at him again.  “Remus, I’m going to take some of those years that you lost.  So that everyone loses a fifth of them instead of a fourth.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t— that feels different,” Remus said.  “With you.  That feels— not a good different.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you literally spent your whole life trying to help me, so I’m going to help you,” Roman said, in his definitive tone that meant he was going to hear any arguments.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus looked at him for a couple seconds to see that he really was serious.  “Alright,” he said eventually.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next second they heard someone moving and someone talking from back in the living room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, has it been fifteen minutes yet?” Roman asked, looking down the hall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus glanced down at his phone.  “We’ve got three minutes left.  Still enough time to bail out the bathroom window if you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Roman chuckled a little and seemed to give it an honest moment of thought.  “No,” he said quietly.  “No, I think I’ll stick around this time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And with that, he squeezed Remus’ hand and they both started down the hallway.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And I will accept all of you yelling at me down in the comments.</p>
<p>Thanks for reading!  I am super proud of this story, I actually did math for it.  I've also got another story in the works that I'm looking forward to publishing, although since we're move into finals season, I am making no promises on how long it will be before I do so.  I hope you enjoyed this story in the meantime!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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